7 of the Hardest Parenting Tips You Will Ever Need

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Well that’s a fun title, right? Who even wants to reads THAT?! Maybe if you’re happily nursing your baby right now while your toddler plays with blocks you won’t need this (yet). This is for the hurting mama, the broken hearted parent who doesn’t know where to turn next. When the issues get hard, the tips need to get even harder, so here goes….

As a mom of 9 kids, 6 of them grown and out of the house, I have some experience with the transition from raising the kids to letting them go. It isn’t easy and it isn’t something people talk much about. We’re supposed to just wave goodbye as they drive away and turn our own lives into something new….life without that person in it. But it doesn’t actually go like that and I want to share a few things I’ve learned that I wish someone had told me.

As a bit of background on me, of my 6 kids who are grown and moved out of the house, one left in a very damaging, difficult way. Another left against our advice but she never broke communication with us. One left to get married, the other three moved away with our blessing and one of those is now married. So I have all kinds of variety of experience with grown kids.

I have different relationships with all of them. Some of them are naturally more verbal and we talk every day, sometimes several times a day. Others I connect with about once a week, or every couple of weeks and one of them has to be chased down with threats of me driving to find him before I ever hear from him. But he’s always been uninterested in talking much at all; it’s not that he doesn’t want to talk with me. I know it’s not personal.

I will admit to not being good at this parenting transition. It’s hard. They need to make their own choices and figure out their lives but also they ask for help and sometimes put themselves on paths that I can see the danger ahead. It’s hard to know whether or not to yell, “Hey you’re about to fall off a cliff!” or just be quiet and hope they don’t die.

I’m not even kidding.

So how does a parent know when to speak? When to step in? How to help? Or not? I have read a BUNCH of books that didn’t really give me the answers I needed, so I decided a few years ago to turn to the one book that has all the answers and let it be my guide. Of course, the Bible doesn’t say things like, “When your 21 year old gets arrested for drug possession here’s what to do….” But it does say that God knows what He is doing and He cares for my children even more than I do! It talks about repentance and where that comes from (hint: it doesn’t come from lectures from your mother).

So here are some hard learned lessons that God has given me in His mercy and I hope they will help you as you walk through the transition from raising kids to releasing them into the great unknown. This isn’t a complete list; there are many, many other things we need to carry us through these kinds of trials. I just narrowed it down to these 7 for now. 🙂

  1. You are not their Holy Spirit. I know it’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s not our job to monitor the spiritual health of our adult kids. In fact sometimes it’s actually harmful when we try to constantly fix their bad ideas. God is very capable of talking to your kids and even if they are very hard headed, He can reach them. You taught them the Word, you modeled it for them, that was your job. The Holy Spirit will do the rest. John 14:26 “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.”
  2. They have their own lives to live. Oh sure, I dreamed of sharing lives with my kids and staying connected and doing life together. But not all of them want that, at least for now. If I try to force it they just pull further away from me. No one wants to be around someone who is constantly correcting them. So I don’t interfere with their day to day choices, even when I strenuously disagree. One rule of measure I use to know if I should say something is if I am going to be responsible for the outcome of their choices then it’s OK for me to share my thoughts. And I don’t mean if I would CHOOSE to help, I mean if I have no choice (like if I have cosigned on their rent then I have some say in how they use their money if they can’t pay ). Galatians 6:5 “For each will have to bear his own load.”
  3. Don’t fix their problems. Suffering is God’s way of helping us learn. If we remove their pain we remove the life lesson they need to succeed. It can be really hard to watch our children suffer, even by their own choices, but it is for the best. Get over yourself and let them suffer. I’m not talking about letting them starve to death, I’m talking about letting them be hungry as a result of their poor decisions. And even when they seem convinced that they are a victim, we have wisdom that we gained from our hard experiences and we can see right through that. You want them to have true wisdom? Let them suffer. He will step in when they need help and then He can get the credit in their lives. Romans 5:3-5 “More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope….”
  4. Their choices are not a reflection of you. I don’t take credit for the great things my adult children do and I don’t carry their poor choices on my shoulders. I gave them what I knew was the best upbringing I could and they get to decide what to do with that gift. Not all of my children are following the path I would choose for them. Not all stayed in the Christian faith, and while my heart breaks over that, that is between them and God. I am not a success or failure because of the decisions my children make. What reflects on me are my own choices. Do I love my neighbor? Do I share Christ with others? Do I feed the hungry? Do I help my friends know Christ more by my own joy in difficult circumstances? The fruit of my faith is not found in the behavior of my children, but in my own. Luke 6:38 “Give, and it will be given back to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”
  5. Speak truth. I know I have said to stay silent when it’s not your responsibility, but there are times to speak up. One of my children in particular has embraced the “non-gender” lifestyle that is so prevalent today. She knows what is true and that we live for God, so we don’t discuss her choices very often. I give her the space I would give any adult, but I also love her too much to make any show of embracing those choices. We have had some very difficult conversations about pronouns and sin and the dangers of not following God’s Word. She knows that we won’t include those things in our lives. I will speak up when it means standing for God’s truth. The thing I have to remember when we have these conversations is that I am not trying to change the other person, but pointing to the truth and they have to make that decision for themselves. Hebrews 10:26 For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins….” Nothing ever changes about my love for my daughter who is walking down this road, she is my darling who has so many gifts and talents and I completely adore her. But I don’t have to love my adult children’s choices and one thing is for sure….I put God before everything else in my life, including my children. Which leads me to my next point…
  6. Put God first. Whatever you do, do NOT make idols of your children. If you ever find yourself thinking that God isn’t taking care of a situation or that you don’t trust Him (so maybe you need to step in and fix it), then you need to work on your attitude! You cannot control what happens with your adult kids any more than someone else can control you. John Calvin said, “Our hearts are idol-making factories.” It is a very easy thing to slip into! But it not only causes a break in your relationship with God, but it hurts your child to think they are the center of someone else’s world. Put God at the center. Let Him be the Lord of your life. Matthew 6:33 “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.“
  7. You will be OK. I get hundreds of messages and emails from broken-hearted moms every month. Losing your child to the evils of the world is the hardest thing I have ever been through and I’m still living with that every day. But one thing God has shown me so deeply and beautifully is that I am OK. I am safe in His hands just like my children are. I have a new depth of joy that I had not experienced when my children were small. And it’s not because of anything that they have done, but because of what He has done. I honestly didn’t know how I was going to survive the pain of some of the things that have happened. But not only did I survive but I am thriving. And it’s not because any of my circumstances have changed, but it’s because He never changes. James 1:17 “Every good gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”

I want to close by just letting you know that if you’re going through a difficult situation with an older child you are not alone. Running away, lies, hate, betrayal, those things break a mother’s heart like nothing else. And often it leads to the destruction of other, outside relationships which adds to the heartbreak and confusion. Those of you whose kids have been lost to the craziness of the liberal world can be left in a whirlwind of bitter pain. It’s a helpless, hopeless feeling. And if knowing there’s someone else out there who understands can help you at all…I am thankful to be that person. I also know that there is freedom from that pain when you trust God and His wisdom, which FAR exceeds any ideas you have for your family.

You do you….be loving, be kind, be a warrior, be honest, be in constant prayer, read the Word of God a LOT.

He will be Him….covering all needs, knowing what is best, never wavering, never going back on a promise, never lying, always trustworthy, owner of the world and everything in it.

I can’t turn your child’s life around. I can’t promise things will go the way you want. I can’t promise you will ever see the fruit of your parenting that you expected. I can’t promise anything about this will be easy. But I CAN promise that you and your precious child are covered by a love that is so big we can’t even fathom it. I CAN promise that there is always someone there to listen when you feel lost. I CAN promise that if you hang onto the hem of Jesus’ garment He will get you through it.

And you have a friend in me.