How to End the Busyness

Boy, oh boy, here we are in May and everyone is so busy! I watch my friends social media and see all of their activities and things happening in their lives and I’m blown away by how busy everyone is. I wanted to talk a little about that, busyness. It’s not good for us, y’all!

We all know the story of Mary and Martha. Mary sat at the Lord’s feet and didn’t help Martha do all the serving. Finally Martha got upset and complained to Jesus (can you imagine?!) about her sister not helping. Jesus gently set her straight…He told Martha that she was missing the eternal blessings and focusing on the wrong things.

Who of us doesn’t see ourselves in Martha? We get super busy and start trying to figure out how to possibly get it all done and we fuss that our husband doesn’t help and our kids don’t do their chores and it all blows up. And when that happens we find less and less time for prayer and Bible reading and just being still and letting go.

Let’s take a step back and really look at our schedules from the eyes of Jesus. Is soccer important enough to be missing all that family time? Are marching band and karate keeping us from eating healthy because we are too busy to stop and go to the store and make healthy food? Have we had meaningful conversations with our husbands lately? Or does everything revolve around driving kids from one place to the next every day?

Is this the life you want?

For me the answer is no. No, I don’t want to be so busy that I don’t have time to stop and help a friend in need. No, I don’t want to miss family meals because we are running around. No, I don’t want to put my marriage on the backburner until the activity season is over. Just no.

I’m not saying all extra activities are bad! They certainly have their place. But have we prioritized what God says is good? Is a life filled with rushing around and cramming fast food and all of the financial cost of those activities really benefitting your family? If a family emergency happens would we easily be able to accommodate those unexpected needs? Are we thriving under the pressure of the heavy schedules? If your answer is no to any of these questions then it’s time to really evaluate!

But how?! How do we decide whether to participate in all of those great opportunities that come our way? How do we tell the kids no when it’s something they really, really want to experience? How can I give my family everything?!

The short answer is…. you can’t do everything. That’s life.

The long answer is that you need to put a family values list together then make all of your decisions about how you spend your time and money based on that and not on the emotional pull of the promise of happiness and teamwork (and possible future scholarships). You take every opportunity into account, but if an activity doesn’t fit the vision for your family then you have to say no. Sometimes you have to say no a lot.

For example, our family has a goal to eat a meal together every day. We have financial goals to pay off our house and have savings and be better prepared for emergencies. We also have a goal to have time in our schedule to serve others at least once a week and to keep the house clean and ready for guests. So with that in mind, if an opportunity comes up for one of the kids to take an expensive class in something they are really interested in that would have them away from home three nights a week then even if it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity it would probably a no. It wouldn’t fit either our time goals OR our financial goals. We will always consider and discuss and really give it our full attention, but we will ultimately decide based on our family values and goals instead of emotions. And the truth is those once in a lifetime opportunities come along fairly often.

I don’t always say no of course! If an opportunity comes up that allows us to still have a meal together all but one night a week we might consider it. If a child joins a team that leaves me regularly hanging around in town for 2 hours…can I use that time to serve someone else and make it fit the family values list? Maybe.

Another goal we have is for our children to have godly character qualities. Selflessness, generosity, compassion, dependability, meekness, patience, etc. My husband and I will look at each opportunity in the light of these character goals and if we determine that it could affect any of our character in a negative way we choose not to do it. For instance, one of our children might be struggling with selfishness and not being kind to their siblings. Maybe they’re being critical all the time or doing mean things. Then a chance to play on a ball team for the year comes up, but the other kids on that team don’t have a good influence over our child in that area and we see it as making good character harder for our child. We would likely say no. Sometimes, through prayer, you just have a sense that it won’t be good for your child’s character and that’s good to listen to that instinct!

If you’re worried about your child being upset I will just say this: you are the parent. It is your God-given job to make hard decisions for your children. They don’t have the wisdom to always know what is best for them. And the mere fact that their being upset could manipulate you is an indication that you need to be together more in a relaxed, intentional way and possibly cut back some of the extra activities.

Or maybe you’re worried that they will miss out on things their friends are doing. Not to sound heartless, but that’s life. We can’t do everything. I don’t get to do all the things my friends do. We aren’t supposed to! You can care about that without giving in to their wants.

If you’re wondering how you make a family vision list, it starts with writing down your goals for the next year through the next 5 years. Where do you see yourself going? What problems do you have that you want to change? Do you have financial goals? Health goals? What are your child’s personal goals that you need to consider?

Next ask yourself what does the Bible say about your goals? It’s very clear on debt, so if you have big financial goals you will need to make a plan to hit those without borrowing. Or if you want to start taking better care of your body that’s a good thing! 1 Corinthians has a lot to say about that!

After all of that is thought through you have a direction for your family’s vision! Put God first always. If something doesn’t put God first, no matter how tempting it is, just say no. It’s OK to pass up an opportunity!! If you already j ow that you’re too busy it’s time to define exactly how much time spent away from home is reasonable for your family. And, by the way, it will be different for everyone!

Usually the first few things on the list are things that won’t change (honor God, put immediate family relationships before outside relationships, Stay out of debt, etc). Some of the rest of the list will change and grow (Move to a new house, learn to play piano, etc). It’s good to re-evaluate the list every six months or so! This is also a great help in communication and expectations. When you all know the family vision it’s easier to have discussions about opportunities that come up!

One more tip is to make your list things TO DO instead of NOT TO DO. So instead of choosing to “stop being so busy” make it “stay home four nights a week.” That’s something to aim for that’s positive and measurable! Define your choices as clearly as possible. Instead of “stop spending too much money” choose “save $1000 by January 1 of next year.” Then break it down and figure out how to make that happen. It takes time to reach those goals! The vision list is to help you get there purposefully instead of just filling your schedule with everything that comes your way.

I hope you will make a family vision list and make sure the entire family knows what it says. Write it down somewhere for all to see. Maybe even frame the first few to remind you all what your family is all about!