A Beautiful Mess
Many, many of you have asked for updates on the situation with our daughter. I have been hesitant to talk any more about it for several reasons.
1. There really is not much to tell since there have not been any significant changes.
2. Like I said in my original post, I only want to share my own story and not speak for anyone else. (I have received a few emails of criticism for that, which puzzles me because I was only trying to respect the others in this situation. But I certainly do NOT think this is all about me….in fact I think very little of it is about me at all, but a mother’s heart can break over her child no matter how old the child is and if you don’t understand that then you are blessed not to have felt this pain).
3. I don’t want it to be the focus of my blog.
BUT….I am not hesitant to share how incredible God is and that His hand has been so obvious through all of our sorrow and tears. Despite the overwhelming agony of loss, the unspeakable joy that has cropped up all around me has to be shared!
In the beginning of this trial I asked Him to make me an empty vessel through which He could pour out His beauty and grace. And He has used this situation to grant that prayer. But let me warn you, before you pray that…..be ready for your world to be shaken up big time! You can’t be empty if you are hanging onto idols in your life with a vice grip. Trust me, I am the queen of that. My knuckles are still sore from trying.
So, while I still hurt deeply, I am also experiencing a depth of faith that I didn’t understand before. I know a greater joy through many blessings including a deeper, richer relationship with our other adult children who have stood by and supported the hard decisions that we have had to make. I have learned to lean on God when things around me look bleak. There is story after story I could tell you about how He has shown Himself to all of us in amazing ways. Here are a few examples:
One afternoon I was crying in my bathroom and one of the boys heard me. He knocked on the door and asked if he could pray with me. He put his arms around me and cried with me and we prayed. Suddenly, we both instantly felt a surge of strength and the burden lift. Really…it was an actual physical lifting and a surprise to us both. We pulled back and looked at each other in amazement. Afterwards my son offered me some incredible Biblical advice that was wise beyond his years. It gave me huge comfort! God is using my pain to help turn my son into a man and draw closer to Him…..wow!
During my time at the Summit several older women approached me and asked how I was doing. They knew about our situation and wanted to encourage me. These wise women poured the love of God into me and I could so clearly see that He gave me these friends a year before this happened because He knew how much I would need them now. To have godly women who have been in my shoes tell me that I am on the right path and not to lose hope…..priceless!
One more story….on Friday night at the Oklahoma Summit the team members (me included) were standing in the front of the ballroom ready to pray for the women there. I had prayed with a couple of ladies and was standing there waiting when a women came up to me….I was ready to lift her up, but she said that she came to pray for me! She offered the sweetest prayer and words of encouragement to me! I wept on her shoulder. It felt like God sent an angel.
I could go on and on….almost every day since this all began He has used someone (many of YOU!) to lift me up and show Himself. And every single time I am reminded of His love and I want to shout it from the rooftops! GOD IS GOOD!!!!
Then I want to pour it all right back out to you.
When you are struggling with anything….ANYTHING….He is there to comfort you. His Word is a balm that I crave more and more as I walk this path. Don’t underestimate the power of the revealed Will of God. Some things are so hard to see….but there is SO much that is right there in front of you.
Deuteronomy 29:29 says His ways are not just for us, but for our children! It is His will that we tell the truth (Ex 20:16), that His mercy does not depend on anything I do (Romans 9:14-24), He does not tempt us (James 1:13), that there is only one way to be saved (Mark 16:16), and much more!
I share those with you so that you know that when you can’t figure out what His will is for you, you always know what He reveals to us in His Word. It’s a great place to start! Then He will unfold the rest as you need it.
The bottom line is…..I don’t trust myself. I make mistakes, I mess things up, I can look back on any part of this ordeal and see things I could have done differently and probably should have. Yes, often I hear from God through the Holy Spirit and I do my best to make sure it’s not my own thoughts then step out in faith. It’s all I can really do if I want peace, put my trust in God….I know that He will work it all for my good and for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). I try my best and then leave the rest in His hands.
Thanks so much to all of you for being so willing to let God use you to bless our family! I pray that it is coming back to you 100-fold. And I pray that when you face trials that feel like you can’t survive that you find comfort and peace in the Word of God and His mercy and grace.
Now, back to our regular, lighter posts……
I sincerely hope that your child finds what she is looking for and realizes that being at home with her family is the safest and best place to be. I was a child who gave in to false council and who perceived that my parents were some how out to get me. It took a long time and many MANY mistakes for me to learn the truth and to repair the damage I inflicted. I pray that your family can grow and heal and your daughter makes contact. I pray that the Lord softens her heart and allows her to learn from this.
What a great post and very timely indeed. We are currently struggling with one of our daughters. She is 19 and I feel that one day she is just going to say….I’m moving out, today. I don’t want her moving out while she is angry. That is my biggest fear / worry. I know she is 19 1/2. She’s old enough to move out. I just don’t want it to be under those kind of circumstances.
Thank you for the update. I’ve been wondering what has happened since. Praying your relationship with all involved gets restored….in His timing.
God’s Blessings,
Vickie
Such truth in these words, “a mother’s heart can break over her child no matter how old the child is”! My 25 year daughter is suffering some consequences of choices she made – and I pray for her daily. We have a prodigal son (step-son to me) that we pray for daily. As mother’s we want so much for our children, and I feel guilty when things don’t go “right” – even if I had nothing to do with the situation. My head fills with “I should have…”, but that’s not what God wants. I love your blog/facebook and every time I see your name I pray for healing and restoration for you and your husband, your daughter and her siblings. God’s blessings and peace to you and yours! <3
Oh, Lisa…
I am so blessed that you are looking at this a God’s way of using you to grow and build relationships with the children still have at home. I began crying reading this. My heart and prayers always goes out to you. God is GOOD! He can always turn your mess into a message, a test into a testimony, a victim into a victory, and a trial into a triumph. Only someone who truly loves you can do this.
I hink of you often and continue to pray for you and your family. Thank you for the update.
Your post was beautiful. I think the “many, many” who have asked are probably wanting to know specifics. Do you talk to your daughter or parents anymore? Where is she living? How is she supporting herself? Naturally, if you wanted us to know such personal details, you would have shared them. I hope your blog update will be sufficient for those inquiring minds. Blessings.
Robin, yes, I am sure you are right about that. I don’t mind sharing but like I said…there really isn’t much to tell from our viewpoint. We only communicate with our daughter through occasional texts and emails, which are usually light and she doesn’t always reply and when she does she doesn’t give us any information. Only once has she been very open at all and it was to let me know what a terrible job we did in raising her. (believe me, I didn’t let it get to me….she is young and has a lot to learn and I saw it mostly as an opportunity to see things in myself and open up the dialog with the other kids)
We have had no communication with my parents or any of the other family members. As far as we know she lives with my parents, but we haven’t been told that directly. I have no idea how/if she is supporting herself.
Believe me, I wish I knew more too! 🙂
Ouch! I didn’t know that you were in the dark about such mundane details (which are so important to family!). I’m so glad that the Lord has comforted you, and I’ll continue to pray for your family.
I think that you should be making it your business to find out how she is doing – NOT to interfere or assign guilt, but to reassure yourself that she’s OK and to give her the message that despite having your differences, you love her and your car about her. Your current attitude is akin to “shunning” which is unkind and not productive for either of you.
I speak from experience. My daughter left briefly at 18; her Dad and I continued to maintain a relationship with her and she returned. She left home permanently at age 27, when she married her wonderful husband.
Elizabeth, there is absolutely nothing akin to shunning happening here! We pursue her as much as we can, invite her to dinner, send her texts with well wishes, etc. We constantly tell her we love her and pray for her and that we only want to build a new adult relationship with her. You can’t maintain a relationship with someone who refuses to communicate with you at all.
It’s wonderful that your daughter would allow you to do that, but if they won’t then you can only try and pray.
It’s not as simple as it sounds in a short blog post. It’s not possible for you to know what I “should” do when you have limited information. I do appreciate hearing your story though. I am so glad your daughter found her way back to you.
Lisa~
Well, Spiritual Warfare is a Very Real Thing! I don’t think that any of us can assume that there is shunning here especially after what she just said.
I apologize for the “should” statement. It is not my place to tell you what you should do.
I realize that there is a much bigger and far more complex story at hand and I am, thankfully not privy to the details. However I stand by my comment of “shunning.”
“They that sow the wind, shall reap the whirlwind”
Wow Elizabeth, that’s a strong stand for someone who doesn’t know me at all.
Frankly, it’s ridiculous. We have done nothing even close to shunning. We persue our daughter as much as we can without being pushy. I don’t even know where you got that idea, but you are totally wrong.
And the verse you chose from Hosea 8 suggests you are comparing me to the foolishness and idolatry of Israel and that I will reap a severe judgement. I’m sorry, but that is offensive.
Here’s a verse I would apply to this comment, “But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.” 1 Peter 4:13-14
Lisa~
Lisa, I can’t begin to understand what you are going through. I understand the weight of heart break over your daughter. Finding out that my daughter was abused by her father, tore me to shreds after I spent so many years in an abusive situation of all sorts. The only comfort I knew was that God loved her more than I could even fathom of loving her. I could not heal her heart. I couldn’t be the light in her darkness. I could be the hand that pulls her to God and trust Him and Her, knowing we brought her up in God’s home. I have to trust Him with her daily, knowing I want to control everything in her life to just hold, protect and comfort her with everything she may be going through. I feel partially responsible for what she has gone through. As parents, it’s inevitable. But God gave us free will. We are not totally responsible for what happens with our daughter’s and what choices they make. Thought it may break a 1000 hearts, we have to go to rely on the truth that God is with us. Even when its dark, lonely, betrayed, forsaken, depleted, He is with us. Even when our children dislike us, want nothing to do with us, He is with us, with them. Find comfort in The Truth. I will join you in prayer that your daughter will find God in her decisions. I was angry and left my mom when I was just 19 as well. Today we are best friend’s and God has my heart now. Some teens waver, which may be necessary for God to keep them closer. It is something we may never understand. Hold strong to His Truth. Don’t let go. Don’t let go of who you are. My prayers are with you.
Thank you for sharing your heart! I pray for you often. I wept as I read this, partly for the pain you’ve endured but also the tears of joy knowing that God can see us through the toughest of situations with joy and peace and thankful that you know and sense that.
Lisa,
Thank you so much for sharing. I continue to pray for you regularly and am so very blessed by your witness as you walk through this difficult time. I appreciate so much that you are willing and able to share with us while still protecting the privacy and dignity of your daughter. Your deep love for her is so evident in your delicate discussion of the matter. Thank you for figuring out how to walk that fine line between transparency and discretion.
Hey sweet friend, I have no words of wisdom… as a matter of fact, I am completely at a loss for words. And, as you well know, that is hard to believe with me. I am so sorry you are going through this. But I so appreciate your updates and you continually directing us back to the One who can do anything and everything to change this awful situation. I’ll continue to lift you and your family in prayer. You are a dear friend, someone I greatly admire and respect. Your walk through this trial speaks volumes. Thanks for keeping it real and not just talking it. (((HUGS)))
i love you! I will continue to pray for you and your family!
This is definitely one of those times for you where you have to just depend on God and his amazing grace to see you through. I’m thankful that you are doing just that! Prayers!
As a once wayward daughter, I can tell you that some of us just have to learn the hard way, on our own, make a mess of things and let God put them back together. Be confident in the Truth you instilled in your daughter. As a mom to a daughter now myself, you are such an inspiration to me. Prayers going up for you!