Just Say No

I’m making a sharp turn today in my topic. I know I tend to jump from one thing to another. I’m working on a new blog design that will make it easier for you to peruse the topics that you are interested in and ignore the rest. But for now, it’s what’s in my head and today it’s child training.

GULP. I am not afraid to write about child training. I am not afraid to write about child training. I am not afraid to write about child training. No matter how many death threats I may get. I speak the truth.

I ran into a friend yesterday that has a wild and out of control three year old. She is desperate and wanted me to give her some advice. He was running around and he ran up to her and asked for something (candy maybe….nothing important). I said to her, “Tell him no.” ( I would normally not say that to another mom, but she was asking for my help)

She looked at me with an astonished expression. “I can’t,” she said, “If I do that he’ll start screaming and all of these people will hear. I always just give it to him.”

Bingo. There’s her problem.

My dear friends, any child at any age should accept no as an answer. It’s that simple. If they don’t, it’s because you have taught them that they are in control and they, at the age of three, know what they need better than you do.

It’s not about control. It’s about love. The real kind of love. Love that is willing to make the hard choices for the greater good of the child.

It is best to teach this at a very young age. And it is a constant process. My two year old understands that he has to accept what he is told. But occasionally he will decide to express his opinion by pouting or fake sniffling to let me know that he doesn’t like being told no. At that point I very gently and kindly tell him, “That’s enough of that. You don’t cry when Mommy says no.” Usually he stops there because he has been taught that I mean what I say.

It is a very hard concept at first, no matter when you start. At two or twelve, if a child is used to getting their way they will NOT like the new order of things. But be consistent. They’ll get the message soon enough.

You are not being mean (and a child should NEVER be permitted to tell you that you are mean). You are not hurting them. You are not making them feel better.

You are giving them boundaries, teaching them they can trust you, letting them know you love them enough to do what is right for them.

A child that throws a fit because he doesn’t get his way is just crying out for someone to love him enough to stop him. He doesn’t have control over his emotions. He doesn’t understand them. (Hey, I barely understand my emotions and I’m almost 45 year old!) He only knows that he wants a piece of candy now and no one will let him have it. It’s up to you to teach him that he can control himself.

You purpose as his parent is to keep him safe and prepare him for life. How are you doing that if you give him everything he wants?

Trust me folks, it’s possible to have a two year old ask for something, be told no, say yes ma’am and go merrily on his way. It’s possible to tell your four year old, “Sit right here,” and they just sit there waiting to be told they can get down. No fussing. No protest. Just a happy kid sitting in a seat while Mommy makes dinner.

I know I’ll get a lot of questions about this. I am happy to answer.

And if you are really angry with me right now because you think I am a terrible mother not to give in to my child’s whims, I challenge you to spend a day with us. You’ll see that we are a joyful, fun-loving family. Lots of laughter, lots of hugs…..could that be because we all trust each other? Could that be because no one is having a screaming fit and ruining everyone else’s good time?