How to Help a Friend Who is in Crisis

Last week marked one year since our house fire.  You know how time works….it feels like forever and it feels like it just happened.  2018 was definitely quite a year for us.

From January through May we were out of our house while it was being repaired. Then it was another 5-6 months of trying to put our life back together.  It’s not like we moved back in and it was over.  We actually lived in the house for a month before we had any furniture. It took far too long to get our possessions returned (don’t get me started on the mismanagement of our claim) and we had to wait until we moved back to be able to start replacing what was lost.  If we worked on it before moving in we would have had nowhere to put any of it.

So here we are a year later and I feel like we are mostly settled.  There are still a few repairs we are waiting on and some things we haven’t replaced because we aren’t sure what we need.

It’s been hard. I learned a lot. I thought now that it’s been a year this might be a good time to share some tips for what to do when a friend goes through something like this.  My story is about a house fire, but it would apply to any crisis really.

I’m going to be really, really honest here.  But I first want to say that I am not hurt or mad at anyone.  I just want to share openly because I think it will help you understand how to help others.  Or if you’ve been in this situation I want you to know you’re not the only one.  But none of this comes from a place of bitterness in me….life’s too short for that.  And God fills in all the gaps.  🙂

During the time of the fire recovery, when we were living in an empty house and had none of our possessions, I guess I thought friends would jump in to help.  But they didn’t really.  It’s a very small number of people who actually did something.  We got a few meals brought to us, but not many. A couple of friends sent us money that first week, which was so special because I knew it was a sacrifice for them.  It meant a lot, each person that made an effort.  But the truth is we were mostly left to ourselves and it was hard.

So I wanted to offer some suggestions for what you can do for a friend (or even someone you don’t know) when they are in a similar situation.

1. Don’t say, “Let me know if you need anything.”  Every time someone would say that to me I would think, “Oh sure, I’m really going to call you up for one of the thousand small things I get hit with every day.”  Instead of saying that, just do something!  Drop off something you think they might need or tell them you’re coming over Tuesday afternoon to give them an hour of serving.  Offer to pick up the kids and feed them, make suggestions.  Listen for opportunities for help or just try to think of what you would need and do it.
2. Check in periodically.  Once the initial shock was over people got back to their life (of course!) and we still had months and months of dealing with the aftermath.  Any time someone has a crisis it’s nice to hear from someone a month later, even 6 months later.
3. Send a note.  There’s nothing like a real note in the mail to cheer you up.  I got a couple of notes from friends and they meant so much to me that propped them on my makeshift nightstand in our empty house while we rebuilt. They perked me up while I was trying to find ways to survive.  I don’t mean a text or email, but a real “I got a stamp and mailed this to you” kind of note.
4. Loan things.  In our case we were going to be able to replace most of what we lost eventually, but we needed things to get us by.  Pots and pans, trash can, blankets, even a chair would have been nice!  Ask what they need and offer to loan them some of your things if you can.
5. Stop by.  I would have LOVED for people to come visit us.  We felt alone and I would have loved for friends to take an interest in what was happening by just stopping over and letting us show them the burned house or the cots we were sleeping on or the distance we had to walk back and forth between our house and where we were staying.
6. Take them just a couple of things.  No one person needs to carry the whole load when there’s a great need.  If you just took a few things to your friend and someone else did a couple more it would lift a huge burden.  Here’s a list of things that we really needed and I would have had no idea before it happened to me.

**Paper plates, paper towels, toilet paper, scissors, tape, real forks, spoons and knives (eating with plastic got old really quickly), bowls, small pots and pans, paper to write on, pens, blank note cards, trash bags, pillows, blankets, cups, toothbrushes, toothpaste, towels, wash rags,  kitchen towels, wash cloths, soap and shampoo, games, movies, puzzles, big t-shirts, toys, pajamas, hair brush, snacks, essential oils (duh), dishwashing liquid, laundry detergent, fingernail clippers, books, blankets, and anything that you use daily that might be a blessing for them!

One friend asked me what we needed and I told her that my boys were bored.  I was preoccupied with house construction and we had lost all of their school books.  So she took it upon herself to fill a big Rubbermaid tub with games and school books and bring it over for us to borrow.  It was so helpful!  I pulled out some of the books and came up with makeshift school assignments for them to do while we waited to get our things back. Another gal that I barely know dropped off a bag of clothes for my youngest son at the door.  Just left them there and sent me a message letting me know.  A few friends sent me Young Living oils and other products, which was so, so thoughtful.  And Young Living heard about the fire and sent me a diffuser and a bunch of oils to help. All of those small gestures meant the world to me!

Sometimes you’re not living in the same area as a friend in need. That’s ok….you can still help! Here are some ideas you can do for that long distance friend.

**Send money; I know it seems obvious, but even $20 can help when a crisis hits. It’s hard to be prepared for something like that financially. Order them something on Amazon; one friend sent little toys for my boys from Amazon and it was so nice for them to have something that was just theirs (since we were basically sharing EVERYTHING).  Order food; you can have food delivered by Uber Eats or Favor to someone in another town! Send a gift card for a restaurant or movie theater or grocery store.  Do research; one Facebook friend I don’t even know in person took it upon herself to research how to get Legos clean after a fire. She even reached out to the company and she messaged me all of that information.  It was not only really helpful, but I felt so cared for by her doing that! Pray for them and let them know; that was very meaningful to me when people would let me know they were praying for us.

I think the biggest tip I have is not to assume your friend’s needs are being met by other people.  You don’t have to make it a project, just DO something.  Pray about it and an idea may pop into your mind.  If not, use an idea from this post. You can definitely ASK for a suggestion from your friend.  If they don’t have one, try to think of something you need daily that might be a help to them.

This whole past year was a learning experience for us.  I am thankful for many of the lessons from 2018, but one that I treasure is finding out what someone else needs in a crisis. I’m excited to have the opportunity to bless someone else when they are going through something hard.

If you have more ideas I’d love to hear them! Add them to the comments or hop over to my Facebook page and share!

Be sure to check out some of our rooms after the fire. Our Harry Potter Teen room and the Hipster Bedroom are so fun!