The Ups and the Downs
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So many of you have been asking me about how things are going with our daughter that left home. I appreciate it very much! I haven’t given an update because there’s really nothing to tell. She is still gone and we haven’t had much communication with her.
What I can tell you about is how we are pulling ourselves together at home. We have been making an effort to find our new normal without her. It has been really hard and we all miss her terribly, but I have learned a lot about how to deal with grief throughout the past month. And one thing I know, as hard as it is to accept, is that I can’t stop my own life because of someone else’s choices. (That doesn’t lessen the heartbreak, but it does help with feeling permission to move forward.)
I have been reading books that people have suggested to me. Two that have really helped are A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss
The 10 of us at home have definitely drawn closer as we work to stay in communication with each other and how we are individually handling it. Each of the kids will come to me at different times and want to talk about it. They will be hurting or confused and we will just chat about it until they feel hopeful again. There is always a lesson to be learned.
I definitely have days when I feel like I can hardly breathe and just cry for no reason. Like, hard crying. I know that’s part of the process. Oh, those crazy stages of grief. I swing from one to the other over and over…sometimes I go through the first four all in one day.
Then I will have 3-4 easier days. The weather is nice and the kids will be doing OK and I will feel closer to God as I spend time in His Word. I will think it’s going to be OK. And honestly, I do know that it will be OK. I really never doubt that. Then I will think about how long that might take and I will suddenly swing back into grief again.
OK God, I am so over this rOlLeR cOAstEr.
From a practical perspective, we have made ourselves try to close the giant hole that she left and find ways to either take over her roles or learn how to do without them.
You always know it’s going to happen….that your kids will leave. In fact, you really want to see your kids go off and make their lives out there in the big ol’ world. But in that knowledge, you have some comfort that you will know where they are and what they are doing and what they want for themselves. And if you really get your dreams you are able to help them a little. You also, under normal circumstances, have some time to prepare for their leaving. Three months of prepping for college or wedding or moving into their own place gives you time to make the transition.
But we had nothing. Not even a goodbye.
I think it’s natural that we need time to recover from that.
But I have said it before and I will keep saying it as loud as I can…..GOD IS GOOD! I trust Him, I love Him, I walk with Him.
And if He has me on this roller coaster for a reason, I can accept that. The ups make me thankful and the downs make me pray harder.
My son’s first birthday after he left home like that, was very hard. I was standing in front the birthday cards at Walmart crying my eyes out. Him leaving was one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve been through. We had no clue he was planning to leave either.
The hardest thing for me to get past was – how could I have raised a child that was willing to cause me that much pain. It was intentional. I’m not a perfect parent but I didn’t deserve that. I got to a place where I am afraid of that child now. Someone who could do that to those that sacrificed, loved and cared for them their whole life is a scary person to me. I can’t even comprehend the evil in a heart that hard.
Thank you for putting words to what I have been feeling and experiencing since my daughter left home in a similar manner over the summer. I kept saying, “Yes, that’s exactly what I’m feeling!” as I read your post. I think of you and your family often although we don’t really know one another. I’m continuing in prayer for you all as well. Hugs.
14 years ago our daughter-in-law with our three grandchildren broke away from our close family. My heart broke. She was like a daughter to us and could not understand how a person I loved so much could have a heart so cold. My only salvation was when I came to the realization that it was not our fault. It was her problem, not ours. The hurt is still there but our arms remain open if she ever needs a place to fall. Sometimes there are no answers to the why. Only resolve that we know we did everything we knew how to love and live with Christ in our hearts.
Hugs to you. Know that you filled your daughter’s heart with good things that will not go away. Hugs!
Last year my then 12 year old with behavioral special needs went on his first extended visit with his father across the country. I willingly sent him, his behavior was out of control. I worried since his dad never had much to do with him but I was at my wits end and so were my other kids. A month later, just as I suspected, he told me he didn’t want to come home and there was nothing I could do about it. He even threatened to accuse me of terrible things if I tried to make him come home. I was utterly lost. All I had been through with him regarding his special needs, the terrible things he had done to me and his siblings that we forgave and WE are the bad guys? The anger, heartbreak and grief was all consuming- and I had SENT him away myself. I tell you this to say this- if that’s how I felt when it was my fault he was there in the first place, I cannot even imagine what you are going through. My heart, thoughts and prayers are with you. My story has a happy ending- my son is home with me and his behavior has much improved. I hope yours does too in a similarly short time frame. Much love