Old Ladies Can’t Jump

Lisa's Blog
25 Comments

Last Sunday night I went out for a night on the town with three of my girlfriends to celebrate my friend Sara‘s birthday.  We were having a great time, walking along the Riverwalk, eating Mexican food, giggling, dancing in our seats to the mariachi music.

Since we were right next to the beautiful Marriott hotel we thought it would be fun to wander around and check out the lobby.  Eventually we rode the elevator up to the 38th floor and breathed in a gorgeous view of the city.  We were being silly, enjoying our time together.

On the ride back down, Sara got nervous.  She doesn’t like elevators and she was gripping the rail (in the photo above you can see her hand hanging on behind her in the lower left).  I decided it would be funny to jump in the elevator to give her a little scare.  I started jumping and she panicked.  She shouted for me to stop which threw me into a giggling fit.

Then it happened.

You know what I mean.

The thing that happens when a 47 year old woman that has given birth 9 times and doesn’t do her kegels decides to jump and laugh at the same time.

I peed.  In the elevator.  Which made me laugh even harder.  It’s a vicious cycle.

It wasn’t running down my legs or anything.  Except for the look of shock on my face, me pointing to where the pee was coming out and shouting, “I have to get to a BATHROOM!” my friends might not have even known that it happened.

We got to the bottom floor, found a bathroom and all the while Sara is muttering something about me getting what I deserved.

The night ended with me in a tiny Target bathroom trying to squeeze into a fresh pair of Spanx….actually these are called Assets.  They are made by the same lady that created Spanx, they sell them at Target and I love them….your free fashion tip for the day.   Anyway, have you ever worn Spanx/Assets? They are Barbie sized when you first pull them out of the package and it takes half an hour of jiggling to get them on the first time. It’s a lot like stuffing sausage into its casing.

At some point during the exhaustive effort to contort myself into a position where I could get the Assets all the way up without touching the toilet or busting the door open, I hurt my back.  I felt a RIP to the left of my spine and knew that I was in trouble.  Sara was standing outside of the bathroom stall asking me if I needed help.  I am sure the ungodly noises I was making were either concerning or, more likely, embarrassing her.

I kept saying through the door, “I’m OK!  Oh…and Happy Birthday!!!”

Once I was clean, dry and redressed we made one quick stop before heading home.

Because chocolate frozen yogurt makes even the weirdest of circumstances more fun.

For the past 2 days I’ve been in my recliner with ice on my back.  I can’t even lie on the bed without pain.  But it’s not worrying me.  I’ll be all better soon and the memory of Sara’s face when I jumped in that elevator will carry me happily through my life.

A new pair of Assets….$16.

A great memory……priceless.

All of these images are from my Instagram feed.  Follow me there for more fun adventures!

 

 

25 Comments

    1. Cyndi, I couldn’t have gone very long before my friends would have figured it out. They’re pretty smart. 🙂 I promise to bring a few of those Poise pads with me next week! Lisa~

  3. OH Lisa you are killing me! And thanks for the Assests advice… we are planning a trip there this evening with the “boys” but I think I might wait a day or two… because I am sure there are some things the guys would just as soon not experience. Ha ha!
    Keep ice on your back so we can “paint the town” next week! I’ll even bring you chocolate from Aldi (who sells imported chocolate on the cheap!!) as an incentive! 🙂

    1. Peggy, I will be ready next week. I may be slow but I will be there ready for fun! I can definitely be coaxed with chocolate! Lisa~

    1. Becky, have I really talked a lot about pee today? Yuck. I’m going to have to watch that! LOL! I went to the dr yesterday morning. Yes, ice & moist heat off and on. When James says I run hot and cold he’s not kidding. LOL! Lisa~

  6. I am rolling around reading your post, I just LOVE you, made my Aussie spring morning read joyful………..

    Note to 45 year old self NEVER EVER jump in an elevator, with good friends and laugh……

    I just had a girly night in Adelaide too, we waddled stuffed full from restaurant to restaurant ended up in a place called “Chocolate Cup” need I say anymore….. and laughed like we did 20 years ago…..between us all we have 16 kids and 2 grandchildren! How come we still feel 18 years old inside!!

    I love how women are the same world wide!!

    Thanks for putting a smile on my face

    I will check out Assets in our Target but will not hold my breath! But did appreciate the sausage stuffing description, that indeed has made it all worthwhile!

    Blessings from the nether regions (whoops)
    Cathy

    1. Cathy, I love how we can feel 18 even when we’re old. LOL! I’m glad to hear you are getting girls’ nights out there too. They are the BEST when you need a pick me up. Lisa~

      1. Indeed that night was a balm to me, I had to get out and think differently…..see things away from my “normal realm” …….Cath xx

  7. Thanks Lisa! I needed this laugh… I laughed so hard tears were coming down my face… my son comes over and asks what I’m laughing at! Your hilarious! Sounds like ya’ll had fun!

    1. Debbie, it was LOADS of fun. Although, I can’t speak for the birthday girl. She might not look back at it as one of the better ones. LOL! Lisa~

  9. I had collagen injected into my bladder to alleviate this embarrassing problem…guess what, not only did it hurt like you would imagine, it didn’t help. After three treatments I’ve decided I’m doomed to the leakage/laughter/coughing syndrome!

    1. Joanne, wow! I’ve never heard of that. It’s too bad you went through that and it didn’t work. Oh well…..it’s just a little inconvenient. But it won’t stop us from enjoying life, right? Lisa~

  10. Hey. I’m a urologist and I had to laugh about your little bladder situation. I see plenty of women just like you all the time. It’s very common

    1. Alyssa, I’d love some tips! I’ve had quite a few emails from other women with the same problem. Would you mind sharing with all of us? 🙂 Lisa~

  12. 1. Do Kegel Exercises. An important urinary incontinence treatment, Kegels are especially effective for women with mild symptoms.

    Kegels are simple to do: Simply clench and unclench your pelvic floor muscles. Which muscles are those? Next time you pee, stop the stream of urine midway. Presto! You’ve just found your pelvic floor muscles and done your first Kegel.

    But don’t make a habit of stopping your urine when you pee, as it can actually weaken muscles. Do Kegels anywhere and everywhere else, though: while online, on hold, or in the car. Start by clenching your pelvic floor muscles for three seconds, then release for three. Repeat ten times. As you develop strength over time, aim to hold the muscles for ten seconds and release for ten.

    2. Stick to a Pee Schedule. Don’t feel like you need to go? Head to the bathroom anyway. Why? “empty bladders cannot leak.” It might take a little time to discern the schedule that’s best for you.

    3. Fill the Void. And don’t be in a hurry when you’re in the bathroom. Take your time in there and after you’ve finished urinating, relax a bit and then urinate again — this practice, called double voiding, helps really empty the bladder.

    And I am pretty sure you are familiar with those PADS!!! lol
    Protective pads and garments are by far the most common urinary incontinence and overactive bladder products out there, and they include a broad range of sizes, absorbencies, styles, and colors. The most common urinary incontinence products include:

    Absorbent pads. They’re disposable and fit inside your underwear. Designed for women and men, incontinence pads are kept in place with adhesive strips. They trap 8 or more ounces of urine and keep it away from the skin, while also blocking odor. They can be changed throughout the day.

    Keep me posted on how your progress comes along girl!

  13. This is funny on so many levels. I mean it took a brave genius to name the article of clothing designed to shape your rear end “Ass”ets. Get it. That’s pretty funny stuff. Oh, and I’m with the white knuckled friend. As a fellow elevator hater….you got what was coming to ya 😉

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