I’m Not as Calm as I Look
I am usually calm and collected….OK not really. I do usually appear calm on the outside, but my mind is almost always racing with thoughts that I have to push down so I don’t come across like a psycho on steroids.
If you were around me with my kids you’d think I was a calm person. I tend to be quiet and I enjoy just listening to the kids talk and share and be silly. I’m fairly mellow about the kids and I don’t worry much. I trust the Lord with our lives and I do believe he is in complete control.
BUT
Last night when Jacob rode a bus for 4 hours to a huge, downtown city stopping at midnight…in the dark…with a suitcase in one hand and the cell phone that I added GPS tracking to in the other….
I turned into an old Jewish grandmother.
I was worried and nervous and pestering him with an unusual amount of texts and phone calls. I say unusual because in ordinary circumstances I rarely communicate with him. He and I, secure in our love for one another, do not communicate via cell phone/texts. Actually, Jacob doesn’t really have much to say to anyone. He’s a quiet one, that guy.
The night before, when James and I were going over with Jacob the plans for the trip, bus etiquette, how to behave in someone else’s home, etc. I started crying. James and Jacob froze with that uncomfortableness that men have when a woman cries. “Is she sad? Is she hormonal? Is she just wishing there was more chocolate in the house? I don’t understand women and I don’t know how to fix it!”
I pulled myself together and assured them I was fine. “It’s just Mommy tears,” I said.
Now that Jacob is safely tucked away in the home of his friend I can relax a little more. But still the Mommy tears are right at the surface. I know he’s a big boy and he will be fine. I know that in most of my brain. But that little teeny section of my mind right at the very front wants to drive 6 hours to check on him, then turn around and drive home again.
Deep breath Lisa. Get a hold of yourself. I need a good slap.
I’m counting on you all to stop me from texting Jacob every half an hour for the next week. Or looking at baby pictures of him.
Alright this is silly. I’m calming down now. Or at least I look like it on the outside.
I get it, I totally get it.
Oh, thanks Suzanne! It’s a bit of a relief that I’m not the only crazy mom. 🙂 Lisa~
Definitely understand! 🙂 Suffering some separation anxiety this summer as our family seems to spend less and less time together. One or possibly two nights a week is just not cutting it for me right now…. 🙁 I must remember God is in control… at ALL times, even when I watch them stumble, especially then!
Oh yes Peggy! God being in control is the only reason I don’t go completely insane. What a blessing to have a loving God Who loves them even more than we do! Lisa~
Not one of your readers would slap you. Do what you need to do. I’ve been there. Believe me: You raised your son well. He’ll have a good time, learn a lot, and you? You’ll just learn a lot. Like, why did he grow so fast? Where did the time go? Who does he think he is to leave you? And what were you thinking when you agreed to this madness?
The lump in your throat will melt over time. And the ache. I feel it, really feel it just typing this. The memories. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
May the Lord keep your “baby” safe and protected while he’s away. And may your heart be just as tender as it wants to be.
Go take a nap, my friend. *hugs*
Oh Kelley you’re so sweet. Those words are so comforting and I know you’ve gone before me in this. You are so right…I DO need a nap. 🙂 Lisa~
I totally understand. I still like to stand in the doorway of their rooms to listen to them breathe sometimes! Which is probably really psycho, but what they don’t know can’t bug them too much.
Oh Deb you make me feel a little less crazy. I love to listen to them sleep. It’s not creepy, right? Lisa~
You’re so sweet! I’ll say a prayer for Jacob’s safety as he comes to mind. Mine are all still little, but I imagine it has got to be hard letting them grow and head out into the world as they get older!
Oh it seemed like it happened in an instant! The days crept by but the years flew! Hug your babies a little extra tonight. Tomorrow they’ll be grown up. Lisa~
We are different in some ways and EXACTLY THE FREAKIN same in others! I keep my maniac thoughts to myself. But seriously I am only at peace when all kids and hubby are at home with me within sight. I feel like such a weirdo. 😛 Now I know you are in my club! 🙂 My oldest is leaving for college in August. Wondering if installing some sort of GPS monitor on HER is obsessive??
Angie, I have thought of you often this summer knowing your daughter is leaving soon. I say we find some kind of GPS to plant under her skin so we can find her at all times. 🙂 Lisa~
GPS tracking, huh? So where’s he at now? And now?? 😀
HA! I can only imagine how I will be once I have children that age! Seriously. Someone needs to go ahead and start helping me NOW.
It might be crazy, I dunno, but ultimately it’s totally sweet to have that kinda love for your youngins!
Amber you’re so funny. I’m not going to confess how many times I’ve looked him up today.
And just so you know, Jacob thinks it’s sweet too. He said he doesn’t mind. Lisa~
I’ll bring some chocolate. stat. 🙂 He’ll be fine – you raised him right – he’s a fabulous guy, from what I can tell. 🙂 {{hugs}}
See Karen, a woman would have known just how to fix it when I started crying. 🙂
And you are right, he’s a fabulous guy. I mean, he likes Star Trek, so what’s not to love? Lisa~
Oh My!! How I understand! Your story is much more interesting than my brief post about my oldest moving away, but I went through the same thing. You can read From Colic to College on my blog…sniff… I think I’ll go text my son who now lives several states away.
Terri, I read your post, so sweet. I couldn’t figure out how to leave a comment there.
I hope you got to text him and mostly I hope he texted you back! 🙂 Lisa~
hugs my friend! I know those mommy tears and promise you whats going on in my head is pretty similar to the chaos you are describing in yours — maybe thats why we get along so well 🙂
Oh Stacy, we get along for so many reasons! Mostly because you are tolerant of my craziness. I hope you get your head calmed down soon! Lisa~
I totally understand those feelings and my youngest (21) leaves on a missions trip to Haiti in nine days! I am used to him staying in daily contact with me even though he lives an hour away now but while in Haiti he won’t be able to do that. 🙁 That will be tough!
Oh Debbie, and it’s your youngest? The baby? The one that is supposed to stay with you forever. How horrible. 😉
I’ll be praying for him. Whew, I can’t even imagine. I should stop complaining about Jacob going off 6 hours away. At least he’s still in Texas! Lisa~
Lisa
I share your pain. My Tommy is in Ecuador for a 10 week mission trip. I have never been a worrier but having him in a foreign country is making me crazy. It doesn’t help that we don’t get updates due to poor internet connection there.
Our young men have to spread their wings and use the skills they have learned…but it is hard on Mom for sure.
Love, Laura
Ecuador?! Ack! That would put me over the top. You moms that send your kids off to foreign countries are my heroes.
I’ll be praying for Tommy! Lisa~
I do this with my brothers,my kids aren’t old enough to go somewhere on their own. I can only imagine how bad I’ll be with my own kids!
You can text me every 1/2 hr for the next week. 😉
Talked to our pastors wife last night. Their 14 yr old daughter is in China — for 6 weeks!! I can’t even imagine. I got butterflies in my stomach thinking about it. Ugh.
~k
Oh Lisa – I do feel your pain! My darling girl is planning to stay with my Mum and Dad for an extra week alone after our two weeks all together and I’m already feeling the tightness in my chest. I NEED my girl close – and since Mum and Dad live in Canada, that just not very close! A 12 hour drive between her and I just makes my palms sweat … and we haven’t even left yet! She’s praying that two weeks sitting by the lake and relaxing will make me loose my ever-loving mind and say ‘yes’ to TWO extra weeks! I know for a fact that these blessings of ours are just precious gifts from God that we are to faithfully parent according to His Word … in my mind – my heart is just another story!
Oh yeah…been there…done that…far too often to admit! Of course you know that both you and he will be fine…but yes, the mommy-ache is still there, even when our kids are grown! It does get a little easier when they are finally fully “launched” — at least then I don’t really KNOW when my mom-radar “should” go off and turn me into a worry-wart. (And I still have 1 1/2 kids at home to keep me sane and drive me crazy all at the same time! … the 1/2 is our almost 16 year old who is living at his summer job site—April thru Sept this year)
Hang in there mama 🙂
Greetings! I’ve been reading your website for a long time now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Porter Tx! Just wanted to tell you keep up the fantastic work!
Hello to you over there in Porter, TX! I’m so glad you stopped by and introduced yourself. Lisa~
All I can say is: “Been There, Done That, More Than Once, Sure To Do It Again”
Mommy Heart, Mommy Tears – no need for further explanation. Hubbie and Children all shuffle and look away while Mama has her moment and then all is well again.
You make me smile, Lisa. :0) Thanks for sharing!