Intentional Parenting Part 4: Pick Your Battles
Now that we’ve caught the vision, are being consistent and changing your own behavior I want to touch on another core topic of parenting toddlers.
Understanding the Battle
All day long you will need to be able to direct your child to do things. Maybe you need them to pick up a toy or sit still. Whatever it is, they should obey. Now of course, we have to teach them to obey and this is what makes the toddler years challenging for Mom and Dad. For some reason, toddlers don’t always want to do what you tell them. That’s weird because every time God tells me to do something I jump right up and happily do it without ever whining or complaining. {not}
So here are some tips for understanding how to teach your toddler that they have to do what they are told.
Number One: Know what battles you can’t win.
If you are going to tell your child to do something, you must be able to actually make them do it or eventually they can wear you down. There are 4 things you cannot make a child do. Eat, sleep, potty or speak/be quiet.
Everything else you can tell them to do and, if you have to, make them do it. If you say, “Stand up,” and they refuse, you could actually go to them and gently stand them up. If you tell them to pick up a toy and they throw a fit then you can guide them to the toy, open their hand and physically do it with them. BUT if you say, “Eat those peas,” and they close their mouth up tight…..you can’t make them eat.
So choose your words and consequences wisely. Before you give a child a direction, be sure it is one that you can enforce. If you are consistently getting into battles that you can’t win, your child is learning that he has all of the power. Instead we want to be teaching him that he is a unique, special individual that is growing into a young man who will eventually make all of his decisions, but now he is a child and must trust his parents and do what they tell him.
Number Two: The Un-winable Battles
Of course there are times when you need your little sweetie to do something on that list. He’s going to have to occasionally eat something he doesn’t want or go to sleep when he thinks he isn’t tired. The only way to teach them these things is to create simple consequences that are unpleasant for them. For instance, eating. While you can’t make them actually eat, you can see to it that they sit in the chair, don’t get other food, see you enjoying your food, etc.
Instead of saying, “Eat your peas,” you say something like, “Here is your dinner. When you eat your peas then you can have the potatoes.”
Start off with very small portions of the foods they don’t like. Maybe even one bite. Hold the spoon of peas up to their mouth and if they refuse, set down the spoon and go about your dinner. Be exaggeratedly cheerful and talk about how much you love the peas. Daddy and the other children can join in with laughter, “Oh this is SO GOOD!” as they eat. But don’t give much focus to the child that is refusing to eat the peas. Just enjoy your meal and whenever he asks for potatoes say cheerfully, “OK, as soon as you eat one bite of peas you can have some!”
Continue to offer the peas until they eventually eat even the tiniest bit. You can work your way up to more at other meals. (as a side note, I would probably feed them something from the plate they will eat first, just not their favorite thing. That way if they won’t eat the peas at all at least I don’t have to worry about them being too hungry)
For sleeping: Even though you can’t actually make them sleep, you can have them lie down or be relatively still.
For speaking: If you want a child to say please and they refuse you can’t make them say it. But you can withhold the object until they say it. So don’t tell them, “Say please.” Instead say, “If you say please then you may have it.” If they don’t say please they can’t have it. Simple.
For being quiet: I get this question a lot, “My child won’t be quiet in church but she’s just babbling and not crying. What can I do?” Again, you can’t control her noises. What you can do is make the “Shhhh” sound and put your finger across her lips. Of course at first she won’t understand what you mean so she won’t stop. You take her out of the room and sit in a quiet place where her noises won’t bother others in the church and sit with her on your lap. Don’t put her down, don’t let her play. As soon as she is quiet give her a small, noiseless toy to play with (I keep little finger puppets in my bag). Every time she makes too much noise, make the “Shhhh” sound, put your finger across her lips and take the toy away. When she’s quiet, give it back. If you have to speak to her, do it in a whisper. Once she is really quiet try going back into the church.
This may take a long time or she may get it quickly. Either way you will miss some of what is happening in church. That’s just a part of being a parent. You miss things. You’ll be OK. 😉
Number Three: Have Patience
It takes time to teach a child to happily do things that are unpleasant to them. They aren’t going to jump for joy over bedtime if they have always hated it. Be patient with the process. Our goal is not to have perfect children, but to create a peaceful atmosphere in the home and prepare them for their future.
Just as you conquer one problem another one pops up. It will always be that way so have confidence that you are doing a great job even if your child has problems. It’s OK as long as you are working on it and being consistent and loving. It will happen.
Number Four: Relax with Your Kids
If all you do is correct them day in and day out then life is frustrating for all of you. Take time every day to just go sit outside with them or play some games. Laugh at their jokes and hang up their artwork. Read them a book and chase butterflies. Don’t let the difficulties of the day be your memory when the day is over. Create moments you can all pull from when it gets hard again.
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Lisa, just one addition to #2 regarding being quiet… one thing our family did that was very helpful when the children were young was to have “still and quiet lessons”. Our oldest did not need these; he was naturally quiet and compliant as a little guy, so imagine my surprise when I had a very vocal, verbal girl 9 years later! Still and quiet lessons saved our bacon! We started young, probably before she was two, and we started at home. We allowed her to have a quiet toy (doll, stuffed animal, etc), and sat her in the middle of the couch. We set a timer (started at just a couple of minutes, worked up to about twenty) and asked her to sit still and quiet during that time. When she did not, we provided gentle correction as needed. It didn’t take long for her to learn how to be still and quiet, and it paid off in infinite dividends during doctor visits, long car rides (when we needed her to be quiet so the baby could sleep or we could negotiate thru traffic), and especially when our first pastorate did not have childcare for her age. We had also practiced bringing her into church before that time. We found that it also helped afternoon rest time more often result in afternoon nap time!
Suzanne, this is great advice! I have written in the past about always practicing at home. Everything should be learned at home before trying it when you are out. There’s pressure and too much else going on when you are out so they need to be familiar with the concepts.
We used to do something very similar with one of our girls who had trouble being still and quiet (I love the name “Still and Quiet Lessons”!). Every night James would hold her in his lap and teach her to be still and quiet when we were holding her. I’d do it again during the day and eventually she learned it. It was so hard for her, poor thing. We tried to be understanding that she had more energy than the others and not ask her to do it for any longer than necessary.
But she eventually got better at it and best of all was that she was genuinely trying. That’s really all you can expect.
Thanks so much for sharing this! It’s a great tip! Lisa~
Thanks for another great post, Lisa. Couldn’t agree more!
Thanks Jacqueline! I really appreciate hearing your thoughts! Lisa~
I love all of this – especially the part about not correcting them ALL day long! I hope our relationship at this age reflects the kind of relationship I want with them when they’re teens… respectful, enjoyable… even though the methods and what can be expected are different now. Thanks for another great post!
Debbie, that’s such a great point. It absolutely does reflect the kind of relationship you will have when they are older. They trust you to know what is best for them and consider their needs/wants and you trust them to obey. It’s trusting and bending on both sides. Laying the foundation for that when they are little is essential.
Thanks for sharing! Lisa~
Thank you so much for the encouraging and wise words. My experience has shown that children listen to their parents more when the parents spend actual quality time with their children… not on their Iphone, Ipad, “I” whatever… trying to keep up their own social network. Those things can be done when the children are napping or after the kids have gone to bed. I see so many young parents “glued” to their world of technology that when interrupted they get angry or scold more than they probably would if they were actively engaged in their children. In our world of technology, we tend to be more in tune with the world ‘outside’ our own, than in creating homes of warm relationships with those we love the most.
I don’t mean that we shouldn’t be linking in to blogs and other helpful information that gives us insight, however those things can be done when time allows rather than consuming the hours of our day that our children need to see us doing those things that make a house a home.
Love your blogs … all … thanks again!
Karen, that is SO TRUE! I am really glad you made that point. I couldn’t have said it better myself.
We all need reminding to step away from our own agenda and tune in with our kids.
Thanks! Lisa~
thanks for the words of wisdom! my youngest is just turning 2 and she is SPIRITED! full of life and energy and opinions! i spend lots of days reminding myself to appreciate her strengths and her gifts rather than get frustrated with her 🙂 i have a question about sitting still though… we have “sit still” mats that we use to practice sitting still on (i’ll read a book, sing a song, do our morning devotions etc) while she and my older daughter practice sitting still. my frustration is that i can’t seem to get her to sit still for longer than a couple of minutes… i’ve tried holding her on my lap as well but she gets SO frustrated at feeling restrained that it’s physically exhausting for me and the fits get worse and worse… i want her to learn to obey and respect her dad and mom but i want to be careful not to crush her crazy fun spirit … any tips??? am i just worrying too much about this at her age?? thanks!
Rebecca, this is a great question! Sitting still is harder for some kids than others. Not yet 2 is also a hard age for this, so you have a combination. First I’d say watch for resistance in other areas. If you think she’s really trying but just can’t do it that’s different than if she refuses to try. Refusing to try means you have to just keep at it until she figures out that she can’t win this battle.
But if she’s really trying and she is obedient across other areas I’d suggest giving her something small to do while she sits. Like a stuffed animal or something rubber or flexible that she can play with while she stays quiet. That way she doesn’t have to be completely still, but stay on the “mat”.
Just keep at it. 2 year olds haven’t yet learned to do things they don’t want to and if you are consistent she will learn! Lisa~
thanks for the encouragement Lisa!
As always, great advice. I wish you could just come live with me for a few weeks and whisper in my ear when I need to be reminded of one of these points 🙂 I LOVE that last paragraph. There are so many days when I go to bed and feel like all I did that day was fuss at the kids. I love that you say to MAKE a memory with them. It really isn’t that hard, it’s just so much easier to get caught up in all the “to-do’s”. I needed this!!
Charity, you are always so encouraging! Thanks for the comment. I think we all need someone whispering in our ear occasionally!
Lisa~
“There are 4 things you cannot make a child do. Eat, sleep, potty or speak/be quiet” I need to write that down where I can see it ,but my kids can’t. Most of my battles are over food and bedtime and being too loud. I am beyond tired of it. I’ve never heard it put that way, thanks for the encouragment.
We have been in the process of moving, so I am late getting around to reading/responding to this. I think your advice is wonderful, encouraging, and timely! Quick question for you: How do you work with your kids to keep their voices down? I have eight children, and there are plenty of times that each voice times 8 gets to be too much. I feel like the one thing my children hear me say most often is to quiet down – and I would much rather be remembered for saying something else! Any thoughts/ideas?
One correction.. You can make them speak (not be quiet) IF you teach them sign language. I have a deaf Ed minor and have been teaching my son sign since birth, it really makes life easer.
It turns out that my son is mute due to medical complications of extreme prematurity, so it was a good thing I was already teaching him. My healthy 20mo niece is also learning sign. With sign you can make them sign “please” “thank you” “sorry” when it is required. I am at the point where I can say “what do you say?” to my niece and she will sign please when requesting something and my son (2yo) does it on his own without prompting most of the time. My niece will eventually replace the sign with verbal but by that time it will be so ingrained that she will know what is expected of her
Krysta, you’re one smart mamma! Lisa~
It helps in other ways too. You can give them choices sooner, which cuts down/eliminates tantrums. Do you want milk or juice (still sitting in your chair but can pick your drink), red shirt or blue shirt (also teaches colors) but you are wearing a shirt, etc. We us modern cloth diapers so my kids get to pick which one they wear, out of two options. Even my 6mo but she just reaches for the one she wants right now. They can start signing as early as 8 months. Most will drop signs once the learn the spoken version unless they have a deaf family member, but if they decide to learn it when they are older they will pick it up quickly. They also speak in longer sentences when they do start talking and tend to read better later. Loads of benifits. 🙂
Hi! I found you via Pinterest and have really been enjoying reading all your parenting tips. I noticed you sometimes mention that you have your child come and sit by you for five minutes if they are misbehaving. Is this your version of time out? Not sure if you have explained this somewhere else but I’d love to hear more about it! My time outs involve having them sit by themselves on the entryway bench and being quiet. My oldest is six now and it’s becoming less effective.