Top 10 Ways to Know When to Explain WHY to Your Child
You all have been A-mazing with your comments and emails through my Intentionally Parenting Your Toddler Series. I got a LOT of comments/emails from Part 3 about explaining things to your children. I wanted to expand on that topic a little bit before we move on with the series.
Many of you commented that you think you should explain things to your children so they will understand the world around them. As a homeschool mom of course I want to teach my children how to make decisions and become independent, thinking adults. So how do I decide when to explain why? Here’s my top ten list, Letterman style:
10. Do you feel pressure to explain? If you feel some sort of pressure to explain then you have gotten into a bad habit and you need to be the one to stop the cycle. There is no reason for you to feel like you HAVE to explain anything.
9. Are you confident? If you have confidence in your decisions then you don’t need to explain them to your child. Explaining gives the impression that you need a partner in the decision making process and you don’t. You know what is best so do it. No questions asked.
8. Who’s in charge? If you have the instinct that you child won’t obey you without explanation then he is in charge. Stop explaining and take charge. He is 3, you are…well…significantly older. He doesn’t have the wisdom to be in charge so he doesn’t need to know why decisions have been made.
7. Does he need to know why RIGHT NOW? Rarely are you in a situation that calls for instant explanation. Of course he needs to know why he shouldn’t run in the parking lot, but not at that moment. In that moment he just needs to STOP when you say stop. Later, when you can talk and explore the situation you can explain the dangers of running in front of a car.
6. Does he ever need to know the reason? There are times when they just don’t need to know why something is happening. If you aren’t feeling well and baby just went down for a nap….your toddler needs to stay still and quiet for half an hour so you can rest. He doesn’t need an explanation, “Mommy feels sick so it will really help if you will be quiet….” My friend, your toddler thinks the world revolves around him and he does not care if you are sick. This is a time when he needs to simply do what you tell him and no explanation is necessary. Of course he needs to learn compassion and care for others….he is learning that already by being quiet when he feels like doing something else. There is no shortage of opportunities to teach compassion.
5. Will him knowing the reason why help the situation? You are cleaning up the house for a dinner party and he won’t pick up his toys. Will explaining that friends are coming over help? Or does he just need to do it and trust you. More often than not explaining will only make it worse. He will get over excited, he will ask more questions, he won’t care if his toys are out when friends come….he just needs to do what you tell him to.
4. Can the lesson be learned a better way? If you are late for a doctor’s appointment and your toddler is not moving quickly enough, does he need to know that you will be late or does he just need to move faster and trust it is important? Learning to be on time is an important life lesson. You can create situations when your child can learn that being late will cause him to miss out on fun activities. Like a birthday party….if he doesn’t get ready quickly AND help you get little brother ready then he will be late and he will miss eating the cake with his friends. That is a good time to tell him why and let him face the consequences. But if you can’t be late or he doesn’t care about the appointment then he won’t learn anything from the explanation. Save it for another time and just have him obey.
3. Does he think he deserves an explanation? There are times (few and far between) when your child does need or deserve an explanation. This, however, is not for him to decide. YOU decide when he needs to know something. He does not get to demand information. If he declares, “Tell me why!” then you have a problem. Even if he doesn’t say it out loud, his tone will reveal his heart. Obedience first, then explanation. Your goal is trust. Second is understanding. That is how God fathers me so that is how I parent my children.
2. Is he really curious or is he whining? Oh boy that whining thing really gets under my skin. “But WHYYYYEEEE?”….{shutter}. Never give it attention, do what you can to make it worse than if he had not asked in the first place, look for other times when he whines and stop it immediately. If I have a child that struggles with whining I will sit down with him away from everyone else and show him what he sounds like, explain that it is selfish and damaging and he doesn’t want to be a grown up whiner. Tell him from now on every time he asks why he will be removed from what he is doing and sit with me quietly for 5 minutes. Once he has been calm and whine-free for 5 minutes he can go on with whatever he was supposed to be doing. That explanation only happens once. He understands more than you think. The next time he whines, Why?!?”, walk over to him, say very quietly, “No whining. Come sit by me for 5 minutes.” That’s it. He will protest at first. The harder the protest the more you need to work on it. If he goes into a tantrum then it’s just a sign that you have let it get out of control. It’s all good. Hard and sometimes miserable, but good.
And the number one way to decide if you should explain why…..drumroll……
1. Is he challenging your authority? This is the first one thing to watch out for. If he is playing with friends and you announce that it is time to go….he does not get to ask why. He needs to trust that you know best and be willing to leave even though he doesn’t want to. Him asking why is challenging your authority. He has no need to know why; he does need to learn to trust you…thus learning to trust God. If you sense in any way that your child is continually challenging your authority then you need to step back and take a look at how often you are allowing it. Don’t worry about him understanding and just teach him to obey. Once you have that down then you can examine explaining things occasionally.
You should definitely teach your child how to make decisions. You want them to develop instincts for good decisions and have life skills. You want them to understand the world around them. But first and foremost I want my children to trust their parents and trust God. Yes, teach him. In your time, when you think is best, not as a condition of obedience.
Ex 20:12 “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.”
As I’m reading through this list, I see my own little toddler’s attitude in some of these and I see MANY of my middle school students’ attitudes, as well. Thank you so much for the insight and the helpful tips; I’ll use these at home AND at work!
Amy G, How interesting! I guess it would be a problem is school as well as home. I hadn’t thought of it, but you make such a great point. Thanks for letting me know. Maybe you will be just what some sweet child needs to help him become more pleasant and enjoyable to be around! My hat is off to you! Lisa~
Yes, yes, yes!
Excellent, Lisa!
Great reminders, as we tend to sometimes let it slide with the younger children!
Deanna
Hello! I read through your post and I like that you are providing ideas to other moms, however, I don’t know if I agree with it all. And I’m not saying that because I want you to think I’m trying to be nasty, because I’m not. I’m saying it because as I was growing up, when I asked questions about things, my parents (who ended up being very abusive to me) would always say, “Because I said so!” I am a very inquisitive person – still am to this day. I ask a lot of questions if something doesn’t make sense to me, and I’m pretty sure it’s a result of my upbringing and the lack of questions I got answers to. So while it’s good to teach children to know their limits and learn to trust the adults, I think children also should be given reasons why some things occur or why decisions are made (which we should be able to provide if we’ve made a decision). I feel like explaining is also a way of learning about not only trust, but learning about how decisions are made, about how to think through things, and apply them to your life.
Dr. Briana, Thanks so much for your comment. I don’t mind at all when someone doesn’t agree with me. I’m always up for a good conversation and I am definitely not always right! 🙂 In no way did you seem nasty, although I appreciate your making that point. You were very nice about it.
First, I am so sorry that you had parents that didn’t understand this concept. It was obviously hard for you and I wish I could give you a great big hug. I try to be clear that I am always loving and caring and considering the needs of the child when I am deciding whether or not to explain. My point was that if you think an explanation is necessary you do it later or on your terms. Not from a child demanding it.
I never say, “Because I said so,” to my kids. I hate that too! For an older child I will say something like, “You need to just trust me right now and do what I am telling you. If we need to discuss it later we will, but for now you should just obey.” For a toddler I don’t say, “Because I said so'” because that is still explaining. No explaining. 😉
Your comment made me think about how often we make decisions based on our past and our hurt. Sometimes that’s OK, but we have to be careful not to let that be our only guide. For my husband and I the Bible is our guide and we use our relationship with God as instruction for how we are to parent.
Also, I haven’t gotten in to this yet, because it is mostly for the older kids and this series is for toddlers, but almost every night (and definitely if we’ve had a difficult day) I will sit with them alone and ask if they have any questions about the day. I let them talk and I might then explain, depending on if I feel they are genuinely curious and not being manipulative. In other words, there is a way to settle some of the inquisitiveness without being controlled by your child.
Thanks again for your comment. It blessed me and I am so glad you stopped by to visit! Lisa~
love it all! makes me ALMOST wish I could parent my 22 year over again.
Robin you’re so funny! Don’t we all wish we could go back and do a little more? I’ll bet your 22 year old is gonna be just fine. 🙂 Lisa~
After the first post, I read it to my husband and we have tried to stop telling our wait-to-smart-for-her-own-good two year old why. It was a complete shift in what I thought was best for her. Now, she is better behaved and kinder to her brother. It was where we had gone wrong with her discipline. This post helps so much more. I can’t wait until my husband gets home so he can read it too.
Right now, my daughter is asleep in her bed taking a nap! It’s the first one in about a week. She normally will not take a nap if her younger brother is awake. This post gave me the encouragement to hold my ground and make her take the MUCH NEEDED nap!
Keep writing and I will keep reading. Thanks for helping us newer moms out!!
Jenni, horray for small victories! I am so, so excited that you are working on your little family and getting positive results. Keep up the good work! Lisa~
My Momma in her wisdom taught me the lesson of over explaining by sharing a story with me…
Mr and Mrs Jones 5 yr old came home from kindergarten one day and asked “Where do I come from?” Mom and Dad both stuttered and wondered how to answer this question. They decided on total honesty and explaining in detail. Once 20 minutes or so had passed with a detail discussion of the birds and bees, they asked little John if he understood all he had been told….he responded with “I guess, but can you tell me where I came from?” Frustrated beyond belief the parents tried to get him to understand again….in the middle of the long tale little John interrupted with the same question and added a little to it….”Where do I come from? You know, like Billy is from Chicago and Mary is from Dallas….where did I come from?”
I so loved my Mom’s wisdom and parables 🙂 <3
Elaine, I love that! Thanks for sharing your mother’s wisdom! Lisa~
This is a great list! I was never much of a one to give my kids explanations when they were toddlers, and I’m pretty happy with that. They learned obedience, and now that they’re older, I help them understand why so that they can learn how we make certain decisions (like no sleepovers), in order for them to learn to think through the implications of different situations and make wise decisions themselves. They’re doing pretty good 🙂
Alexandra, I’m glad to hear it! Lisa~
i loved the way you explained this! and I am picking up some serious need for changes in my own ways. I’d love for you to address challenging authority in greater detail. I could use some help in that department
Stacy, I will put my mind to that….thanks! It always helps to hear what you all are struggling with so I can focus my posts. Lisa~
Lisa, This is such great information. You really should write a book!
xo, Sherry
Yes, please write a book. I’ll buy it! I talk way too much to my kids. I’m working on this area, and this series is giving me the motivation to be consistent. It took a while for things to get this way and it will take some time to set things in order again:)
I love that you have the courage to share your parenting tips with us all. I couldn’t deal so well with the critiquing;)
Sincerely,
Amy Callahan
As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a single woman who teaches first grade, so not exactly the intended audience for these posts. But I really appreciate your Biblical wisdom regarding raising children lovingly and firmly. It would be nice if some more parents did things your way before sending them to me in first grade!! One of the biggest things I see going wrong when I am with families with toddlers is not even the explanation so much as the distraction or trick-the-child-into-doing-what-you-want tactics. I’m not saying that to be judgmental, since I’m sure it’s not easy to get things done with toddlers around. But I’m guessing that by taking the time to actually teach kids to obey, parents would be doing themselves a favor for later on.
Anyway, I think the age and circumstances have a lot to do with when to explain. Whenever I have time, I try to ask my first graders if they know why a certain behavior is expected, in the hope of guiding them into good choices. I have too many kids who behave very nicely in my classroom, but are very poorly behaved when I observe them in other settings.
I also sometimes have kids who obey and at the same time ask out of genuine interest why we are doing something in a particular way. You can tell by their tone and body language whether a first grader is asking out of defiance or out of a desire to learn.
I love the line, “You just need to trust me right now…” Have to remember that one!
Keep the great posts coming!
Jacqueline, your perspective is welcome here anytime! I love that you point out how our children behave differently when they’re not with us. I have a few friends whose children do whatever I tell them to but not what their own mother tells them to. It is sometimes a matter of who is giving the instruction. They can tell if you really mean it. As a teacher I can only imagine the kinds of things you see every day!
It is obvious that you really care for the children you have been given to care for during that day. What a blessing you must be to them! Lisa~
What this reminds me more than anything… is that I really have to be on top of it in order to implement this. I need to be a trustworthy person. Otherwise, I’m just bending them to my *selfish* will. I will know that, and I won’t be confident in asking them to trust and obey. <== And there's my biggest parenting problem!
Debbie, that is a great point! Yes, you have to be trustworthy. If your kids know that you have their best interest then they will learn to trust you more! Thanks for saying that. I love this! Lisa~
Lisa,
This came at a very helpful time for me. Our 4 year old loves to question (seemingly) EVERYTHING I say to her or ask of her, etc.
Whew! I love the help and would be first in line if you were to write a book!
Lisa thanks for an amazing post!! Learned a lot. Liam is a HUGE “Why” asker. I have usually felt like I needed to answer to he could “learn about the world”…but now I’m rethinking a lot of that as purely manipulation. What do you do when they ask why over and over and over AND OVER if you ignore them?? I try to ignore his questions sometimes…because he asks questions that he already knows the answer to just to hear himself talk. What would you do in that situation? I’d love your advice!
Yes, I would buy a book too. My kids have never been big on asking why. I like that you point out they need to trust me, just as I need to trust God. Keep the tips coming! And I sure would love a series on parenting tweens as well,especially girls.
My daughter hasn’t quite gotten to the ‘why’ asking yet, but she is very curious about the world around her and I know that word isn’t too far off in the future. I feel like I’ve got a leg up on it! Thank you!!
The whining though – OH BOY! Dear Lisa, I do hope you will touch on that subject a little more. Especially for the younger toddlers (freshly 2!), who may not quite sit still for 5 minutes & associate it with the whining. (Or am I under estimating her little brain??)
I always appreciate your insight on raising your family in a Godly fashion. 😉
This is so providential with what my son and I have been going through– thank you!
If you don’t mind, I’d love to share your link on my blog for other mommies to gain insight 😉
Hi Lisa. God allowed me to ‘stumble’ upon your website just this evening. My husband and I are grandparents who are now also blessed with a 3-yr. old son…the proverbial blessing at the end. God has a great sense of humor and gave us the feisty one last! This little guy is the definition of intensity and defiance and I have been at my wit’s end with him for quite some time. Thank you for your wisdom and the encouragement I needed to regroup and work smarter in training our little firecracker. You are an answer to prayer!