I May Be the Clumsiest Human Being on the Face of the Earth
I spent yesterday in the big city and have proved, once again, that I shouldn’t be let out of the house alone. If you remember when my skirt fell off and when I got my foot stuck in a boot then you know I am not the smoothest knife in the drawer.
My plan was so simple, pick up some chicken nuggets and slip into the movie theater to preview “War Horse” for the kids. Then get my errands run and go home.
But it all went awry when the ladies behind me in the theater kept talking. This gets on my.last.nerve. My OCD kicks in and I can’t hear a thing from the movie but I do know that the lady behind me had a family member that traveled to France last year. After about 10 minutes I couldn’t take it anymore.
So I decided to pick up my nuggets and my Diet DP and move a few rows down. That’s where it all went bad. I was turning into the aisle and didn’t realize that I was still a step up from the row. Thinking I was even with the floor I took a step in, but the floor wasn’t there and I went down like a lead balloon. Nuggets went flying, Diet Dr Pepper splattered everywhere and I am pretty sure I pulled the hair of the person in the seat in front of me.
Up on the big screen horses were running free through the fields of England while I was squeezed face down between two rows of theater seats with Diet Dr Pepper all over my shirt. The man in front of me jumped up to help which made me feel guilty for him missing the movie so I started saying,”No, no, I’m OK!” I pulled myself up while loudly whispering apologies. What an idiot.
I gathered myself and hobbled quickly out of the theater and went to ask for another cup since mine had been flattened by the fall. Then I crept back in and sat down in one of those front rows where you have to crane your neck to see. But at least I was in a sitting position, nuggetless, but sitting in a seat.
After only a few minutes I realized that my left foot was throbbing with pain. I wrapped some ice in a napkin and held it to my foot throughout the movie. When it was over I pulled my stocking off to discover that the left side of my foot was purple and swollen.
I am a walking sitcom.
Knowing I wouldn’t be able to run around for the rest of the day, I narrowed my list to Sam’s Club and Target. Those were the only places with grocery carts, which I could use like a walker to hold me up. The way I’m going, I will be doing all of my shopping from a motorized handicap cart very soon.
While I was in Sam’s I noticed a man behind me. It seemed like he was following me because every time I’d turn to look at him he’d jump to pretend he was looking at something. At first I thought I was being paranoid, but after a while he kept popping up until finally I asked him outright, “Excuse me, are you following me?”
I’m not the best at coming up with the right thing to say when I’m under pressure.
There was that tense moment when you think to yourself, “You are so stupid and now you’ve offended this nice man that really was just looking for peanut butter in the magazine aisle.” But then he said, “I’m so sorry. My wife says she recognizes you from your blog and she noticed you are limping and wanted me to see if you needed help, but I didn’t know how to approach you.”
So you thought the best thing was to stalk me and make me scared to go into the parking lot alone?
His wife came around the corner and we all laughed and introduced ourselves properly. She doesn’t want her name on the blog, but I’m pretty sure she will recognize herself in this story.
While we were talking I made the quick decision not to tell them I had a movie theater injury. They were being so nice that I didn’t want to see their faces when they realized that I am not as graceful as I seem on the blog.
Today I am sore in all kinds of weird places, like I must have tensed up when I fell and awakened muscles that I seldom call upon. But my foot will be fine in a few days and I will be back to normal. No permanent damage done, except to my confidence.
And if I didn’t say it yesterday, thank you to the stalking husband for your concern and offer to help. And thank you to the man in the theater who, even though I pulled his hair and spilled a little bit of Diet Dr Pepper on him was kind enough to try to rescue me from my awkward position on the floor of the theater.
There are still a few gentlemen in this world.
It is sooo going to be me pushing you in the wheelchair when we’re old – not the other way around. (That is, if I take you out anywhere.)
OH thank you! Now I don’t feel so silly about accidentally smacking the dog in the head when I lunged for her which resulted in a bruised knuckle that instantly swoll up (I know its not a real word but I like it… its the vocabulary rebel in me!) bigger then Alaska and immediately turned a sickly black all the while making me feel sick to my stomach as it hurt so bad. I now have a wicked black and purple bruise that doesn’t hurt but looks like I got in a fist fight with someone. However it sounds like I abuse my dog when I try to explain it to someone…. and the dog, well her head is harder than ivory and it didn’t even faze her one bit. In fact the poor thing was feeling so bad for me that she kept coming and checking on me and followed me all over until I told her to go lie down. I mean we are talking 95 lbs of “puppy” here… Hope you are feeling better and your aches go away quickly! And yes it is nice to know there are still gentleman out there!
Oh my goodness, I’m weak laughing. You are sooo funny, and you will be comforted to know that, if for know other worthy reason, you were put into blogland to liven up my January evenings!
And the stalker?!!!! Oh my…. hilarious
Being a relatively new reader of your blog, I had not read the skirt and boot episodes from last year. Oh, the tears of laughter have been flowing! My daughters came in and wanted to know what was wrong with me!! Thanks for the laugh!!
I love how you are so honest about yourself and your adventures!
So what did you think of War Horse? Do you recommend it?
If you and I ever get a chance to hang out (and I hope we do someday!), remind me to wear a crash helmet. And/or knee pads.
Other than that, we should be good.
My friend
Is at it again
This time she fell down
And broke her crown
Thank God for the Jacks who came helping after her.
You absolutely crack me up!!
Awww! You poor thing, Mrs Pennington! 🙁 Hope you get to feeling better and all your bruises heal up soon. 🙂 Don’t worry, you aren’t the clumsiest person in the world: You haven’t met me yet. 😉
I needed a laugh today! But I am sorry you are stiff and sore. I would love to hang out with you and laugh hysterically. I have a friend that is so fun and funny and things just seem to happen to her!
I am also very sorry about the nuggets.
And how fun to meet someone through your blog..of course maybe you’ve done that before. There are many people I would love to meet because i read their blogs.
Thanks for giving me the best laugh I’ve had in a long time. well, sorry for laughing at your expense…and glad you’re OK. But I have to ask, how was the movie? Do you recommend it to an 11 year old?
Oh goodness, you had my husband and I laughing so hard, we had tears streaming down our faces.
Oh, my Lisa….you have a knack for telling the best stories!
I am glad you are not hurt…
I did laugh at your story though…no hard feelings right? 🙂
Ouch! I couldn’t have walked back into the theatre after that. Glad it wasn’t a broken ankle or worse! Was the movie good?
Oh Have mercy girlfriend. Really? We need to get a camera crew on you when you venture out alone. They couldn’t write this stuff. I’m glad you are okay and I hope that your foot heals quickly.
So was the movie any good? LOL!
Hope you heal up quickly Lisa. My goodness. One time at work I fell out of a chair. Yep, fell out of a chair. While I was on the phone with a customer. Of course.
Oh my goodness…..you must be my clone….. I’m so clumsy I can’t walk and chew gum at the same time…..sure hope the foot feels better soon…..really sorry you lost the nuggets when you fell…..bummer
Whoa! Someone from your blog recognized you and sent her hubby to stalk you? I wonder how long they actually followed you around the store? Sheesh! Kinda crazy…but it’s also kinda cool that you were noticed out in public! Movin’ on up!
I feel really bad about your foot. That must have been one dang-awful fall! I feel bad laughing about it…Kinda… 😉 Is it all healed up now?
BTW, I have always thought it would be COOL to use those handicapped shopping carts! Don’t they beep loudly when you back up? I would be so jealous if you got to use one. =-D
Well for the first visit to your blog I certainly was entertained!! Oh my, what could be more icky than a movie theatre floor…you are so brave…thanks for sharing and know you are not alone out here.
Umm….yeah, I don’t really know what to say here 😉 , except, I’m sorry you got hurt. And are nuggets on your diet 🙂 This story has now made me hungry. I guess I’ll go eat some low-sodium crackers or something tasty like that.
I’ll be sure and give you a run for your money, Lisa. I’ve broken my foot twice. Once I was walking. In flat shoes. No skipping, hopping, jumping, do-si-do-ing, twirling, (fill in your own nifty verb), etc. My foot just decided to roll underneath itself and drop me on the floor. I told people I broke it bungee jumping because the truth was so boring. No, I didn’t keep up the masquerade when their eyes bugged out and they said, “REALLY?!?!”
I used to ride my bike everywhere (might be good that I don’t do that any more) and I was cruising through the apartment complex parking lot to get our mail from the clustered boxes by the office. One portion of the pavement rose up and at that moment, I had my pedal in the down position. The bike came to an immediate stop and I was slammed down onto the bar (man’s bike!) and the ground. I got up and checked to see if anyone noticed, then quickly hobbled back to my apartment, toting the jacked-up bike up the stairs with me. When the handlebars were straight, the wheel faced left. Sigh.
I’ve pulled some brilliant public stunts as well. But I won’t regale you with them here. Suffice it to say that I really do feel your pain. And if I laughed at all, it was totally with you, not at you. 😉
You. are. a. comedian!!! I have a friend who has similar delightful stories to these… Years ago she was trying on a “skirt” while in a hurry to get back to her 4 boys with a babysitter. She came out of the change room and said to the kind clerk, “I love this and I’m going to buy it, but I just don’t know what this is for”. As she was talking, she was flapping a large piece of fabric on her left side… Little did she realize she was trying on gaucho pants and had both legs in one side!!