Listening to Others
On Saturday morning I was supposed to pick up our baby chicks from the lady I have always bought them from. For seven years I have gotten my chicks from her. Every spring I call, order what I want, put the pick up date on the calendar and, when it’s time, I go get them. This year…..I forgot. I didn’t show up on Saturday morning to get my chicks. I wasn’t feeling well, it was Patience’s birthday, some friends popped by unexpectedly and in the midst of it all I forgot the chickens. When I realized it later in the day I felt awful about it.
My chicken lady is very, um, shall we say, country. She is not like me and I like that about her. She is kind of rough around the edges and very, very straightforward.
I made my plan to be there first thing Monday morning to apologize and, hopefully, get my chicks. I have heard her be pretty hard on other customers, so I was praying that I could soften her by being humble and apologetic. My thought was that I would NOT offer any excuses. When people do that to me it feels like they are suggesting that their mess is worse than my mess and frankly, it’s self centered. I didn’t want to send that message, so I was just going to crawl with my tail between my legs, take whatever lashing she gave me and hope for the best.
I got there and was very timid. “I’m so sorry,” I said to her, “it is completely my fault. I understand if you sold my chicks to someone else. I am really, really sorry.”
She looked at me firmly and said, “Well, what happened?”
“Um, I forgot to come on Saturday and I am really sorry.”
“That’s not good enough. I want to know WHY you weren’t here. And if you don’t have a good excuse I will not sell chicks to you next year.”
Wow. That seemed a little extreme, but I just told her…..I was sick, we had a birthday, life got crazy and I forgot. I had no good excuse and I would completely understand if she didn’t want to work with me again.
She looked at me with harsh, tired eyes, “When people come in here after causing this kind of trouble and they don’t even try to explain, they just come in, get their order and act like it’s no big deal, it makes me crazy. It is SO RUDE!”
It struck me as interesting. My effort to be respectful and selfless was interpreted by her as rude and selfish.
There are so many Bible verses about fools running their mouths, that I wanted to use wisdom and not blabber on about why it happened and what my life is like and how tired I am, etc. It didn’t matter. I messed up. I was sorry.
Proverbs 18:7 “A fool’s mouth is his destruction, and his lips are the snare of his soul.”
Her interpretation of my actions was different than what I was doing. How could I know?
We can’t see and feel what others are thinking.
To me the lesson is to give each other room to be ourselves. I will mess up. Maybe I will hurt your feelings. Certainly I will have selfish moments.
But let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt.
Let’s give each other room to be flawed and to grow.
I did get my chicks. I apologized several more times. I didn’t try to defend myself. I didn’t mind letting her vent. I’m not the least bit upset or bothered about it.
It teaches me to be more understanding the next time someone inconveniences me. You just never know what is in the mind and heart of others.
That’s all I’m sayin’… 😉
It’s so true that one person’s interpretation of spoken words can be the total opposite of what was meant. I’ve seen it happen to myself, both as the speaker and being misunderstood, and being the hearer, and misunderstanding. And here is another example….thanks for sharing, and one day, what it taught me may be useful for me.
Isn’t that interesting that you got the opposite reaction than what you thought it would be. It can be awkward but I think you handled it just right, and thankfully you got your chicks.
Deanna
But — is she letting you buy your chicks next year?????
And — did you get my email about the pillow? The story of the dog not destroying it? Let me know if not, I will resend it.
Glad you got your chicks! Giving people the benefit of the doubt is such a loving thing to do, and it makes life so much easier. The cashier was slow? She’s probably new. That driver nearly hit you? He probably just didn’t see you. (try telling my husband that- ha!), etc. Who cares what the real intent is? The habit of assuming the best about people automatically causes our reactions to be more Christ-like.
There is so much to be learned from this, God is so good to teach us even when we think we have the lesson learned. I have been in this type of situation more often that I wish to admit, as soon as I think I have a lesson learned it is retaught and I quickly relize I know nothing. Growth, it is a tough pill to swallow. I love what you said about giving each other room and messing up. I find my deepest friendships are with people I have hurt the most or been hurt by, it is in the choosing to remain friends that a tight bond is built. So know that I will always choose to be your friend even if you forget to pick up the chicks.
Cha Cha
P.S. Cecilia wants to come play with the chicks
That was a fascinating story. I tend to run in your vein. I don’t want to offer excuses because to me it seems like an attempt to negate my responsibility. It doesn’t matter what happened, I missed the boat and it is my fault.
Your take is a good one too. The comparison of messes – sort of like when two hypochondriacs get together.
But she has a valid claim too. Thanks for reminding we can’t (and shouldn’t) attempt to guess what others are thinking.
Nicely written and well put 🙂 The tricky part is gauging your audience, lol! Even if *I* purpose to give the other the benefit of the doubt and give them “room to be themselves,” it doesn’t mean that he/she will return that grace. Considering others (allowing them to be human and loving them through it) is one of the most important things we can do. And that includes considering how our words and actions will affect others. Being “quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger” comes to mind. The Lord put “quick to listen” first–REALLY listening to the other person is key to avoiding wounded feelings.
I love your heart for the Lord, my friend. And your listening ears. 🙂
Lisa
This is such a good and interesting post!! For me I am trying to put myself in someone elses shoes as Randa Clay put it. Before I go straight to negative with someone I try to think there may be more going on than I know. This was certainly not always my way (and I do still slip up of course) but, God is growing me in this area. I tend to be like you as well in the accountability area…if I messed up no excuses just owning it. I think it is worse for me with a friend…..I too never want to hurt my friends!!! I love you heart for others….I would say you wear it on your sleeve but, I bet it’s more like a cute pin on your outfit 😉
Hugs,
🙂 Heather
Mama always said, “Give them a gift- the benefit of the doubt.” Speaking for myself at 50, I’ve had to learn the hard way some ‘run your mouth’ lessons. I would’ve gone there Monday with the same thoughts you had. Wow.
Also, I wonder if she has a phone? I might’ve battled with myself (and even my family for advice) the idea of calling to explain/not calling to explain.
As a mama now myself of adult ladies, here’s what I often say: “Expectation greases the wheels of frustration, and assumption greases the wheels of offense.” I’m not real good at boning up, but that’s because I don’t practice it. Lord help me to remember everybody’s not like me.
I deeply appreciate this kind of blogging. Women, we are mandated to train our children and teach young women relationship skills. This post is an excellent, transparent, iron-sharpening post. I for one choose to listen, Lisa. Thank you!
I would have bawled. And she would have told me to get out of there. Not crying is the biggest challenge I have in situations like that.
We all certainly do have different interpretations in these types of senarios and you must be a very patient and gracious woman. With meanness not being one of my major flaws (I have plenty of others to make up for it though) I don’t tolerate meanness very well either. (Lack of grace and mercy?) That would be the last batch of chickens I’d buy from her. (Unforgiving?) Wow, this story about you is making me look at myself with a stronger pair of glasses. Thanks for sharing this and I’m glad you’re not mad at her because grudges are so hard to let go of.
Thinking about that…hmmmm….wow.
Lisa,
I pretty much sit down every few weeks and read everything you’ve written that I can get to…it’s 11 p.m. right now and I just read this post and had to just let you know that this just about sums up some very deep, deep hurts that I’ve experienced in my life. How were you able to put it so perfectly into words??!!! So many times my inner-intensions are going 100% in one direction only to find out that another person has misunderstood them and recieved them 180 degrees from my reality! Great friends have cut me off and left me slack-jawed and wondering “wwhhaaattt??? That’s not what I meant!” I need to remember that the only person on this earth that can always get my meaning is Jesus…and that’s only cause he can see directly into my heart! I love how you just let this chick lady vent and not let it bother you. A great lesson for me to learn. I miss you and think of you often!
You’re doing a great job with this website! Hope to see you soon!
That is too funny! And it has happened to me more times than I can count. Not getting sick, forgetting chicks, and making country women mad; but intentionally saying one thing for the purpose of being considerate and then ticking someone off. I think it’s God’s funny way of saying: Well, there’s no formula for people! lol
In the end, our job is to obey God’s Word and then deal with the consequences. They don’t always reward us, that’s for sure. Perhaps that’s to keep us humble. 😉
I so appreciated this, because I have often found myself in the quandary- do I explain or not? -do I offer an excuse or just say I am sorry?
Maybe I find myself in the fix so often because I mess up so much.
Hmmm.
Thanks for posting!
Susan