When Your Rules are Different
Part One in my series on answering questions from Dallas.
A sweet mom asked, “How do you handle it when you let your kids spend time at a friend’s house and they allow things you don’t (i.e. TV shows, movies, video games)?”
I know it can be rough, but I always tell them right away. I will say, “We don’t allow Susie to watch TV, so is it OK if it stays off while she is at your house? I can send some videos and games with her if you like. I want to help make it easier.”
If they say no or argue, then Susie can’t play at their house. Any friend/family member that I can not trust to respect my wishes for my child is not a person I would leave my child with. Plain and simple.
1 Peter 1:3,4 “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.”
It’s true that people get offended. They will think you are judging them. But if you have guarded your heart and you know you aren’t being judgmental, there’s not a lot you can do about their reaction. It is their issue. You absolutely can NOT prefer their feelings over protecting your children. And be encouraged, just because you do something that hurts someone else’s feelings, does NOT mean you did something wrong.
It is one of those easier-said-than-done problems. Believe me, I have been there and I know how difficult it is. You may lose relationships. You may hurt someone you love. It may begin a long battle that you would rather avoid. It helps me to remember that my first job is to protect and raise my children. My outside relationships come after that and I have to remind myself to keep my priorities in that order.
Another thing to keep in mind is that you do not owe anyone an explanation. We all make decisions that are unique. If God has shown you something to do in the upbringing of your children that others do not follow it is OK. We don’t all have to be alike. In the same way that my friends don’t need to explain to me their choices, I don’t need to explain mine. Unless your friend/family member is genuinely interested in having an open discussion with the goal being to learn from one another, resist the urge to explain yourself. I have found when I do that, I make it worse. Some dumb, thoughtless thing slips out of my mouth that I end up regretting.
Proverbs 17: 27, 28 “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered. Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.”
Be confident as a parent, be firm in your convictions, love your friends and family, accept others’ guidelines in the way you want to be accepted (by this I mean don’t try to change their mind about what they believe).
Above all, remember it is God we are to please, not our friends and family.
Psalm 19:14 “May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.“
Oh, excellent post! I always need this reminder….my kids are in public school and I am extremely cautious about whose house they go to and for how long {we do NOT do sleepovers/slumber parties at all}. It’s great to hear that I am not the only crazy Mom who believes this is wise and true – and the biblical back up to prove it! I am sharing this with all my friends. Thanks, Lisa!
Becky B.
http://www.organizingmadefun.blogspot.com
Organizing Made Fun
Such wonderful advice. And you are right, it is much better not to explain unless sincerely asked.
Good advice. Thanks for the reminder.
great, encouraging post! thanks for sharing!
Yes. We have had conflict with other family members or friends when we have simply shared that we like our girls to wear skirts for church or that we don’t want our children to date. You know, those small issues like that. Even though we don’t preach etc…we have been slammed.
It is hard – but tough. They are the children the Lord gave to us – we need to follow what He tells us for them.
Thanks for your boldness in sharing this!
Thanks to you all….it’s encouraging to all of us to know we’re not alone!
Deanna, I know what you mean about getting slammed even though you aren’t preaching. It has happened to us also. It always helps me to remember how much Christ suffered for truth and the little bit of suffering I have is nothing.
Hang in there! Lisa~
So I think that begs the question, what do you do when Susie’s friend wants to come to your house? And her Mom calls you?
Amen! I want to add to this but I having nothing more to add, you took the words straight out of my heart. We are “that” family in out circle and I don’t mind.
So glad we are not alone,
Cha Cha
Yes!! This is a great post! What you said is key: it’s more important to guard our children’s hearts than to worry about protecting someone else’s feelings. Amen!! And yes, it is hard sometimes to face the judgement of others who are accusing YOU of judging THEM! So frustrating. But this is encouraging. Thanks!!
How often have my three children heard the words, “Because their parents aren’t your parents,” in response to the question, “But my friends can do it so why can’t I?”
This is a great post!
Totally agree!
It seems we are encountering this more and more because we don’t allow game systems. Everywhere we go the Wii is brought up. Of course, we don’t think game systems are evil! We would just rather our children play outside instead of spending playtime with friends and cousins in front of a TV.
Gal. 1:10 – “If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” We teach this to our big crew, because it’s a vital life-principle, regardless of your age!!
Communication is key. Speaking the truth in love works. As always, love is the key.
Lisa,
Wow….EVERY single thing you said in this post hits home with my husband and I. Thank you for sharing it. It has been such an encouragement!
YES! And I try to remember that I did not always feel this way about certain beliefs, so give grace to others.
I’ve been wanting write a similar post about a response I got on my Sponge Bob post…..
“He’s a cartoon, not Satan”….um, if it is not OF GOD, then who is it OF?! the devil.
I’ll get to that post when God’s timing is right=)
My husband has been teaching me this for as long as we’ve been married. We don’t get a lot of flack about any of our weirdnesses (homeschooling, etc) but I still have a hard time asserting our beliefs when things get tense and feeling-hurty.
This post shows why I love you so much- most of the time you’re a goofy homeschool, DIY Mom and I love that and then you pull out this great bit of Godly wisdom and I remember that you’re one of those “Titus 2 ladies” too and I love you even more!
As an aside- your comment about being the homeless lady at the flea market cracked me up. And made me want to go to a flea market. Badly!
This is so difficult when it’s the other kids who are the threat, because of their behaviors – especially when it’s within the extended family. The mama bear in me wants to keep a protective bubble around my kids, but that’s not always going to be possible. If we don’t allow the other kids into our lives to help them, they may lead our kids astray anyway. Ministry versus protecting my family… I need more wisdom!