Child Training Secret Every Parent Should Know

Faith Points
9 Comments

I tag a lot of my posts as child training.  I don’t really think of it as child training though.  I should call it, “Raising godly children and creating a peaceful home.”  That’s what it’s all about!

The training is only one layer of parenting.  It is the surface, instant.  Immediate. Your child disobeys, something happens, she learn not to do that anymore.

When little Susie refuses to eat her dinner, there are immediate consequences.  In our home the obvious consequence here would be hunger.  “I see that you aren’t eating your food, so I will be taking your plate away and….whoops!  We happen to be having your favorite dessert tonight, but you can’t have any because you didn’t eat your dinner.  Oh, I’m sorry.  It’s too late.  Hopefully next time you’ll remember this and eat cheerfully.  But the good news is that you get to sit here until the rest of us are finished,” says happy, smiling Mommy.  Say no more.  There’s no need to rub it in.

But then there is a second layer.  It is deeper, more serious.  It can’t be trained with simply missing dessert.  It is a matter of the heart.  While you cannot train your child’s heart, you can look for ways to encourage them to want to soften and be more selfless. Ultimately it is the Holy Spirit that speaks to their heart.

In the case of our little Susie not wanting her dinner, what else might be going on?  Look for other areas in your child’s life where she shows a lack of gratitude.  When her brother helps her with a chore, does she say thank you?  If you buy her a soft drink while you’re out, is she grateful?  Does she complain when she has to help you with a task?  These are signs that you need to deal with something deeper than eating her broccoli.  This is just one example.  Refusing dinner could have a completely different root; only you really know your child.  But every act of disobedience is an opportunity for you to look deeper.

Any time I am dealing with a problem, I deal with both layers at once.  Of course we do the immediate….no dessert, etc.  While that is happening I am praying for my sweet Susie and asking God to show me how I can use this lesson to help her toward the goal of becoming a godly woman.

I would have her help me cook dinner tomorrow night.  Maybe make her work a little harder than she usually does.  This is not a punishment at all.  It is an honor to serve your family and she is now learning that firsthand.  Give her more opportunities to help her siblings and parents so that she can see how nice it is to be appreciated. Keep your eye on it for a while.  It won’t change in one sitting.

When the opportunity is right you should talk with her.  Ask her if she thinks she was being ungrateful.  Be very careful not to try to make her feel guilty.  It’s not guilt you want, it’s repentance.  Let her know that you would like her to think about some other ways she can do better in this area and that you want to help her.  Praise her for the good attitude she has had for the past couple of days as you made her do extra work  (If she hasn’t had a good attitude then you have more work to do.  Don’t get discouraged.  You can do it!)  This is about a dialog.  You should both share during this conversation and not let it just be a lecture.  Sometimes it’s hard for us moms to hold back!

The next time you have to manage a problem with your child, think about both layers.  Calmly execute an immediate consequence and then look for ways to address the deeper problem.  You’ll be surprised at how much this will help her move past an area of sin in her life and into a trusting relationship with you, and ultimately, the Lord.

9 Comments

  2. I don’t often comment on child-rearing posts because I find people have very strong, and sometimes very differing opinions on the subject. I’m sure it’s because each one of us has been the subject of our unique experience with our particular parents. Sometimes, our parents screwed up and we react to that by overcompensating. Other times, they did something great and we emphasize that too much.

    In any event, I like this post… first because I like your consequence for not finishing your food, which we use in our house and which is regularly applied to one of ours who is VERY picky about just about everything food-related. It is fair, because if you are not hungry enough to finish your dinner, you certainly must not be hungry enough for dessert. It also avoids battles with the kid. I would say that in our case, I truly believe our son does not like certain foods (overactive taste buds maybe). He has learned to cope with some of them, but he still doesn’t desire most. He is not adventurous when it comes to foods (or most life areas that are new), and so this is a constant struggle. It is always good to remember that a child choosing not to eat a particular food is not innately sinful. It requires good judgment to determine whether there is a heart issue at stake, or if it is preferences, and then to work the appropriate consequence regardless (for even if it is preference, withholding dessert I believe is appropriate).

    Second, and I think more importantly, you are 100% right that the heart is what is really at issue, not behavior. One thing that I have found to be VERY helpful is sharing with my own kids when I sinned in a similar way when I was a child, and talking to them about the fact that my parents also corrected me, because they loved me, and that in retrospect I am very happy about it. Also that Jesus died for my sins, just like theirs, and that earthly correction is not applied as wrath, but rather discipline, to give the child a tangible reminder not to repeat the offense. I also apologize when I’ve disregarded or disrespected them, so that they recognize that NO ONE in our house is sinless. Parents have a huge responsibility to discipline kids in a loving, humble way – a way that says, “I am an authority in your life, but I also live under authority.”

    I hope that our kids will remember what we have taught them when they are grown.
    .-= Fred @ One Project Closer´s last blog ..Before &amp After- Funky- Eclectic Stairs =-.

  3. Wow Fred, thanks for that! What a great comment. It reminded me that we have a “deal” with a few of our kids. There are some foods that they just do.not.like. So the deal is that they don’t have to eat it. I understand. I have foods I don’t like, but the kids just don’t see it because I simply don’t cook those foods. 🙂 But the other part of the deal is that they have to eat everything else without question or fussing. We don’t do this with all of the kids, but it comes up every once in a while and it shows them that we care about their likes and dislikes.

    My boys and I are going through a book about manners. It said, “You must sometimes eat foods that you don’t like if you want to become a man of God.” Your little guy must be on his way to becoming an amazing man for the Lord. (I will send you the link to that book!) Lisa~

  9. Hey Lisa! Amazing post. SO true on the food battle issue. I love it all actually. I am curious…when you say, “Give an immediate consequence” do you mean spanking, time out, taking something away, etc? I’m just curious. We do spank our kids for serious issues but focus more on properly training throughout the day and making sure they know what’s expected of them rather than always spanking. Its definitely something that happens in our house though. I don’t know if you’ve addressed the spanking issue and I’m just curious what your stance is on it. Thanks in advance!!

    Kelsey

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