Overgiving to Your Children
I spent some time this week with a dear friend whose children have rebelled and left her. I sat and listened to her pour out her broken mother’s heart.
She knows where she and her husband went wrong. She plans to stop the pattern, but the damage is done. Her children have no respect for their parents.
You see, these parents gave their children everything. They paid for college, new cars, clothes, savings accounts, etc. They even went so far as to purchase a house for their son and his family.
Sounds good? No.
“Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need” Eph 4:28
It is good for a man to labor. It is good for a child to learn to sacrifice. If we rescue our children from life’s struggles we limit the lessons God wants them to learn.
This begins when our children are very young. They need to earn their rewards. Look for ways to give them work. Yardwork, cleaning under furniture, helping a neighbor, helping in the kitchen….children should be required to do all of these tasks at some point. Always push them a little further than they think they can go.
When they are older they should begin to pay some of their own expenses. Our children have to buy their own clothes by the time they are 16. We pay for essentials (underwear, 1 pair of jeans, etc) and they buy the rest. At 18 they pay for their own education, their own equipment (computers, ipods, filmmaking equipment, etc.). It’s not about the money. It’s about becoming productive, grateful human beings.
You may wonder how they get the money for these things. Some of it comes from outside jobs. Grace works for James in his office in the mornings and she gets paid. We pay Jacob for heavy lawn work and he has some outside jobs as well. We do not want our children out in the world at 16, so we hire them to do things…clean the guesthouse, wash the cars, helping me in my Etsy shop. Sometimes a relative will hire them to do work also.
“So I saw that there is nothing better than that a man should rejoice in his work, for that is his lot. Who can bring him to see what will be after him?” Ecc 3:22
It is good for a man to earn his way in the world. It is good for a child to have something to be proud of. Do not rescue your children from hard times….it will lead to their demise.
“and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you, so that you may walk properly before outsiders and be dependent on no one.” 1 Thes 4:11-12
We feel the same way at our house, which is why our five year olds already have dishwasher duty and are about to get laundry duty next week (their 6th b’day). We give them small allowances because we want them to learn to tithe, save, and spend responsibly. But we’re giving them household jobs early because a) Mama needs help, since she’s homeschooling, and b) we never want them to think they can just sit around and be waited on (by the aforementioned Mama or their future roommates or wives)!
-Kim (also from One Project Closer) 🙂
I admire that you posted this. I do not have children of my own, but I do mentor, teach, advise young family members and friends. All ask why don’t their children have respect, both of themselves and for others. I do believe it’s because they don’t know what it means to earn it and what work truly is. Work teaches so many things from interaction with other people, to learning the value of things, but most importantly, it builds a sense of accomplishment and pride. So many of my young family members just are lost and don’t know how to attain this. I continue to pray and hope that God will instill the needs for change in both the parents and the children.
Love this, you have put my heart into beautiful words. Hubby sees this sort of thing all the time in the school he works at and it breaks our hearts. Parents think they are showing their children love by doing this but it is really the exact opposite. Just another lie the devil would try to have us believe.
Hope you have a wonderful day,
Cha Cha
.-= Cha Cha´s last blog ..MOTHERHOOD =-.
You all are so right! I just love hearing from other moms that teach their children to work.
Pine Tree Home, sometimes it’s the women who aren’t parents that can see the bigger picture. I appreciate having friends like you. You have a unique viewpoint and sometime we need that! Lisa~
You just wrote the story of us. Sometimes as parents we are misguided by good intentions. Our children pay the price in the long run. Everything you wrote is now manifesting itself in our lives. It breaks our hearts. But if you had told me all of this 20 years ago, I wouldn’t have listened. I thought doing more, giving more was better. It’s hard breaking old patterns. very hard for my husband who still thinks he is being “mean” when he withholds or pushes them to do more. thanks for a wonderful truthful post. I will show it to hubby and I’m sure it will help.
Don’t you love having businesses from home?! It allows so many opportunities for the children to work and earn money. Haley is an excellent filer. When Michael was forced to fire me for terrible filing (lack of) he found a capable and very willing employee 🙂
.-= Autumn Beck´s last blog ..Open House- Kitchen and Dining Room =-.
Thanks for posting this… I have little ones and this is a great reminder that no matter how hard it is sometimes we’re doing the right thing and not being too hard on them, just helping them to become responsible adults (hopefully!) 🙂
My first visit, found you through Goodbye house, Hello home. I’m your newest follower and I’ll be back!
We definitely believe that our kids should learn the value of work. Each child has had age-appropriate chores from the time they were toddlers.
My kids aren’t overworked, they are merely “helpers” and each have responsibilities that they are required to do as a part of our family. Our motto is “No Workie, No Eatie” and comes from II Thes – “For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat.” The sooner kids realize that life is not a free ride and that they have responsibilities that they must be held accountable for, the better.
Great post as always, Lisa. I wish we lived closer so I could glean from your godly wisdom daily…for now, guess I’ll just keep reading your blog! 🙂
.-= Karen @s Simply A Musing Blog´s last blog ..Its Official =-.
As always thanks for your ideas on child training. I have been feeling guilty about the clothing issue. I just can’t afford it. My 16 y.o. has a desire to buy her own clothing but I have been feeling so bad that I have not encouraged her.Thanks for the reminder that it is good for her to do. I guess I can appease my guilt by paying her for her yard work.Great ideas…love your blog.
ps: your Moms home is very pretty, I love all the red.My mom did red painted cabinets then did a black glaze. It Looked really great, especailly with black accents.
.-= Shannon´s last blog ..oops =-.
This is how we raised our children. They were helping in the home from young children, working for us at 14 and working outside the home at 16. They made excellent grades, earned scholarships and become productive citizens! (always putting God first!) I get frustrated at adults who complain about lack of funds when they have teenagers sitting at home not working!
You friends are so great! I hope you know how much you encourage ME when you leave comments. Thanks! Lisa~