When Little Ones Tattle

A mother of young children asked me, “How do you implement your no tattling thing with little ones?”  (“No Tattling” is a post I wrote on my old blog.  I have included it at the end of this post)

The answer is….you don’t.

If a child is very young, they won’t understand the importance of confession and won’t be able to discern what is important to tell.  The good news is that you can lay the groundwork now and reap the rewards when they are ready for the next stage.

If four year old Mary comes in the room, “Mommy! Susie won’t let me have any toys!”, what do you do?  You turn and say, “No Mary.  You don’t tell me what Susie is doing.  You only tell me what you are doing.”

But, you ask, what if Susie is doing something dangerous?  You might need Mary to tell you.

Here’s my answer for that.  This will not be popular, but hang with me.

You don’t put Mary in the position of being responsible for Susie.  If they are young, it is too much responsibility to give them to watch each other.  They need to be near you, or in the room at least.  If you need to make dinner, they can play at the table.  When my kids were all under the age of 6, they would sit at the table every evening with books and games while I cooked.  If you are nursing your baby, the youngest ones need to be in the room.  I used to keep a basket of books next to my chair for them to read while I nursed.  If you need a shower, you can either have them play with bath toys on the floor of the bathroom or give them simple things to do in your bedroom….whatever works for you.

There are certainly times when one can play alone in their room.  And of course you want them to play together.  I am not suggesting that you be the one playing with them or that they don’t have quiet interaction with each other.  But you should always be within earshot.  When trouble ensues, mother is right there to direct their hearts.

It  is good for 5 year old Mary to help mother by watching baby.  But you should still be able to hear them.  You are the one responsible for helping them when there’s trouble.  If you notice Mary is being bossy and selfish, you remove the privilege of helping until she shows she is ready to try again.

When they’re ready, you move into letting them be responsible for themselves.  You will know when it is time. You will see that they are showing times of selflessness and concern for others.  When Mary shows that she is genuinely concerned for Susie and not just wanting her own way, you will know that she is ready for the next level of responsibility.

It’s a slow, tiring process.  But take it from an older woman, it is worth it.  Nothing about motherhood is easy or convenient.  Children rise up and call their mother blessed because she put in long hours and showed patience and love.

Hebrews 12:11: “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.”

Be sure to check out my post on follow up questions answering some of your questions about this!

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“No Tattling” originally posted May 2008 on a blog that is now gone to blog heaven

I want to share our method of avoiding tattling on siblings. This has worked beautifully in our home for many years, so I hope it inspires you to conquer the tattling issues you may have.

What to do? I need to know if someone has done something they shouldn’t have. I don’t want my children running to tell me the juicy details of another child’s sin. So how do we solve this? Here’s how…and it works! Keep in mind that we believe in spanking our children. We don’t have to do it very often, but we do practice spanking.

I am going to call my two little troublemakers Susie and Johnny. Let’s say Johnny catches Susie sneaking a cookie from the cookie jar after she has been told, “No cookies.” Does Johnny run to tell Mom? No! Johnny tells Susie, “Go tell Mom you took a cookie.” Susie must go tell on herself….no matter what. Now stay with me….here’s where it gets good. If Susie refuses to tell (I know, your children wouldn’t do that, but let’s just pretend) then Johnny comes to Mom and tells Mom that Susie refuses to tell Mom something. Johnny does NOT tell Mom what Susie did. Susie is then called to Mom (or Mom goes to Susie) and gets an automatic spanking….just for not telling Mom something when a sibling told her to. After that is dealt with, Susie must still tell Mom she ate a cookie and that is dealt with however it needs to be handled. What if, you say, Johnny gets a thrill from telling people to go tell Mom things that are unimportant? If Johnny tells Susie to go tell Mom something unimportant then HE gets an automatic spanking. So they will be very careful to only use this plan for important things.

There are times when Johnny may not know all of the circumstances. Let’s say Susie appealed to Mom’s soft side and Mom told her she could have a cookie and Johnny didn’t hear that. It doesn’t matter. Susie goes to Mom and says, “Johnny told me to tell you that I ate a cookie.” Mom says, “OK Honey. He didn’t know you were allowed to have one. Thank you for telling me.” Nothing happens to Susie, but she did what she was supposed to do so all is well in the home (well, except for the matter of Johnny now thinking he should have another cookie if Susie got one, but that’s another problem we will solve another time).

The beauty of this system is that it promotes the Biblical principle of confession. It builds the relationship I have with my children and it doesn’t disintegrate the relationship they have with each other. In our experience it builds trust between them when they are faithful to follow through no matter what. If you are consistent and patient….this plan is foolproof. 🙂