There has been much discussion here and on Facebook (and in my house) about the recent graduation speech that we walked out of.  I sent an email to the young man that made the speech, asking him to read my post.  He did and he replied. I thought you all would be interested in what he said to me.

I want to warn you, this is long and some of it is specific.  I tried to be discreet, but please read it before you let your children read. 

I am not going to share his entire email here because it is long and somewhat repetitive.  It is written in the same, dramatic verbiage he used in his speech.  So I will just share parts, but I assure you I am not leaving out anything that changes the message of his reply.  It is important to me that I not misrepresent him.

He begins by telling me again about his beliefs about the horrors of the sins of the world, which I already heard in his talk and did not take issue with his position on those facts.  But he repeated it in the same style, as if I needed convincing that sin is sin.

Next he addresses the issue of one of the images he showed on the big screen at the graduation, “The picture was of two men kissing and two women kissing; both were fully clothed and there was no suggestion other than that their lips touched. Now, it’s possible that you don’t go to Wal-Mart, or grocery stores or book stores or get online and perhaps your children will never go to a mall or other public places and maybe they don’t plan on attending college or surfing the web, where they might see this; but that doesn’t change the fact that this sin is thriving in our culture…”

In fact I DO keep my children away from those places and I don’t let them “surf the web.”  I believe it is my calling as a mother to preserve their naivety for the very reason that this speaker wants to expose them.  So that sin will be seen as sin and not something that was normal to them their whole lives.  When my children are old enough to learn of the evils that are happening in our world it will be so foreign to them that they will be anxious to do anything they can to help those that are wrapped up in these ungodly lifestyles.  I have 2 adult children not much younger than the speaker and I can testify that this is exactly what has happened.  My grown children are appalled and ready to stand up for righteousness without apology.

He goes on, “As Christians, we can try to remove ourselves from culture, bury our heads in the sand and remain ignorant to the sin that is claiming the lives and souls of those around us OR we can accept God’s calling of stewardship that He placed on mankind at the beginning of creation”

Romans 12:2 tells us not to be conformed to this world.  James 1:27 says we are to keep ourselves unstained from the world. 2 Corinthians 6:18 tells us to go out from their midst and be separate from them.

I am not burying my head in the sand.  I am living the will of God.  I can fight for righteousness and also keep myself separate.  God’s “calling of stewardship” doesn’t include looking at pictures of men kissing.

Further down in his email, “I’m not sorry that you were bothered by what the images represent because it bothers me too! That’s why we have to get involved and fight for God’s design and intention for marriage and the family! Much like Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, “Silence in the face of evil is itself evil; God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.” For this reason, I hope you will take the same energy and emotion that drove you to write us and write our legislators and national leaders;...”

What I actually said wasn’t about what the images represent, but that I didn’t want my young children to see them.  Their hearts and minds are not ready to wrestle with such things (and there was more than one inappropriate image even though he only he mentions one in his email).  Also, I think we can all agree that I am not silent.  Nor do I think we should be silent.  He seems to assume I have not already taken action, which is not true.  We are extremely active.  Just because I don’t think this needs to be discussed in the way he did it doesn’t mean I don’t want to discuss it at all.

In his last paragraph he says, “As I identified in the presentation, we are seeing attacks against the unborn, marriage, family, education, liberty, religious freedom, etc. Who is going to fight these battles? Who is responsible for the preservation of culture? Jesus said, “You are the salt of the earth”. We are the preserving and culture changing agent that God put on this earth. We are responsible! For the sake of our children and grandchildren and the hope of our nation, Christians have to get involved.”

He and I simply have a different idea of how this is to be lived out.  What we must do is be the example of Christ, fight for justice through hard work, political avenues and loving people with the love of Christ.  One way I am fighting for the preservation of God’s work is by raising children that will be the future of our country.  If they are so exposed to sin at an early age that they become immune to the grief of its effects on our world then we will have lost the battle. The sad irony is that in his efforts “for the sake of our children and grandchildren” he actually exposed them to the very sin that he is fighting against.

Surely it is obvious by the very fact that I removed my children from his speech that I am deeply concerned about the future of our country and the path we are on.  I am far more involved than his email gives me credit for.

In our family we are not silent.  We are not denying sin.  I am clear about what I believe.  I have never given anyone license to sin and in fact have lost friends because of my firm beliefs.  I am ready to stand and face my duties as a Christian.  I have no fear of fighting for God and I believe there are clear boundaries when it comes to sin.

I am also a sinner.  Saved by grace.  No better than the next person, even if they are walking in godlessness.  It is through His grace that they will, hopefully, prayerfully, also be saved.

I hope this young man will someday realize that he doesn’t need to be explicit about sin for God to change hearts and turn people toward Him.  God is right there, waiting, nudging, holding his arms wide open.  God can turn people away from sin with a whisper.  He doesn’t need us to do His work, we need Him.  We stand for Christ because it draws us nearer to Him and to glorify Him, not because His message can’t get through without us.  There are times when we are called to be gentle and one of those times would be when young children are present.

The speaker closes his email to me by saying, “God bless you to stand for truth and fight for righteousness!”

I can only say in reply that I stand for truth and righteousness everyday and will continue to do so.  I will also stand for my children and their future by protecting them from hearing any more of these types of speeches.  It is up to each parent to decide when to expose their children to the evils of the world.

Thank you for reading this long post.  And thank you for standing with me!

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My niece was graduating this weekend, so we drove to Austin for her graduation ceremony.  It was a group of homeschoolers graduating together, about 60 of them.

We had the whole family there, plus a lot of my extended family and everything was going fine.  Until.  The commencement address.  It was a young man.  He was passionate about Christ, which was good.  But he was also passionate about making an impact.  Which was not so good.

I’m guessing that his motives were pure, to motivate these graduates to get out there and make a difference in the world.  But there is a time and a place to discuss the evils happening in the world in such a detailed and dramatic way, and this was neither.  I am not going to mention the subjects he spoke about since I know many of you let your children read my blog, but you can imagine.  And he had pictures; I’m not kidding.  About 7 minutes into his 30 minute speech James leaned over to me and loudly whispered, “Get the boys out….hurry!”

So I led my four young sons, who now had questions about what they just heard, out to the lobby.  My youngest daughter (age 16) quickly followed, asking if she could leave also.  It was more than her tender, protected heart could take.  “Mommy, I felt so uncomfortable.  I’ve never seen images like that,” she said.  These are subjects we have purposely not exposed our children to at a young age.  It is our place to decide when they learn about the horrific sin happening outside of our doors, not the guy speaking at a graduation.

Other people were filing out, offended.  One father expressed his outrage at having to take his 10 year old daughter out of her sister’s graduation.  He, like us, is conservative and while he agrees that the young man may have been right about his points, it was not the right place to give such a graphic message.

I tell you all of this not to complain about the graduation, but to say that we have become so desensitized to sin that we think we have add shock value to make a point.  James and I have purposely sheltered our children from as much as we can so that when they are grown and learn about the things our country is doing, their hearts will be naturally broken over it and we don’t have to add drama to the simple message, sin is real.  Just the fact is enough to make us grieve over someone’s ungodly choices.  We don’t need a visual example mixed with dramatic language.

And my 90 year old grandfather certainly didn’t care for the message.  He is a wise man who has spent much of his life honoring God.  Afterward when we were talking about the speech he summed it up perfectly, “That just wasn’t necessary.”

This is so often what happens to us even in churches.  A pastor takes off on a rabbit trail, naming sins that are socially accepted today and going into detail to stir up his congregation.  We so often have to shuffle our children out that they have become used to it.  I don’t like doing this.  It feels rude, but I can’t prefer politeness over protecting my children’s hearts.

I want to write a letter to Christian speakers to tell them it is possible to make the same points, but be discreet so that it goes over the heads of those that don’t know about such things.  It is possible to motivate people to action without showing graphic pictures.  It is possible to speak words gently and trust God to stir in our hearts.  We do not need to be manipulated emotionally.  That is shallow at best, offensive at worst.

Maybe you won’t agree with me about sheltering your children and that’s fine.  But it is still our decision what our own children should hear and how they are exposed to immorality.  No one else has a right to inject that into our lives.  We don’t let them watch TV, we are extremely careful about the movies they see and we spend a huge amount of time building a pure, godly foundation for them.

And guess what, our adult children have turned out to be joyful, caring people who understand now what is going on in the world and are not falling down dead from the shock.  They didn’t need to be prepared by knowing about specific evils.  They needed to be prepared by knowing what is right and good and true.

“But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.” 2 Timothy 3:14-17

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I got an email recently from a mom who is struggling with her pre-teen (let’s call the daughter Susie).  Susie gets really upset when she doesn’t get her way and it always ends with her shouting, “You are a MEAN mom!”

Susie knows that those words cut into mother’s heart.  Of course, that’s why she says it.

I tell you friends, the whole idea that a child would call their mother mean is so unimaginable to me.  And that moms are allowing themselves to be manipulated by it just feeds the craziness.

Moms, this is what you need to remember…..

Your job is to teach your children, prepare them for adulthood and life on their own.  You do this through talking/teaching, being an example and through discipline.

Discipline is a necessary part of life.  We, as adults, are disciplined every day.  If we act nasty to our neighbor it will cause trouble for us.  If we spend money we don’t have we suffer the consequences of debt.  When I eat too much chocolate cake my clothes don’t fit.  Discipline.  As adults we have the maturity to make those connections.

Our children need us to discipline them.  They don’t know enough about how their body works or finances or responsibilities to make good decisions on their own.  So we teach them.  We create consequences.  That’s all discipline is.  You create consequences and gradually they learn and begin making wise choices for themselves.

We say, “You must eat your peas before you can have dessert.”  That’s not being mean, it’s being healthy.  Children won’t make healthy choices on their own, so we teach them.  They still have a choice….they can choose not to eat the peas and have no dessert.  If you let them eat dessert anyway, you are teaching them that there are no consequences.  Don’t do that!

And don’t feel badly about it.  Sure, it’s hard to see our children suffering (although most of their suffering is just over-dramatizing).  But it is good for them.  If you rescue them from the pain you are doing them a disservice.

I suspect Susie’s mom has done this over the years.  She let her tender mother’s heart keep Susie from feeling any real pain so now Susie thinks she should never hurt.  Then when Mom actually expects Susie to suffer a consequence it turns into a battle.  Susie knows her mother is tender hearted, so she pulls out the big manipulation….calling her mom mean.

Is the stove mean when it burns you?  Is the thorn mean when it sticks you?  Of course not!  That’s just the way life works.  And you are not being mean by disciplining your children.  You love them and you want them to have the best life possible.  So you teach them how to endure hardship and make wise choices.  You also teach them that calling you mean is never the solution to their problem.

My best advice is to be unaffected by their words.  Don’t show a response, don’t give it any weight.  If it doesn’t change anything they will learn to stop doing it.  Just continue to be caring, but follow through with your discipline.

Mom tells Susie, “You can’t go to your friend’s birthday party because you didn’t do all of your homework.  I told you last night that if it wasn’t finished you couldn’t go and you chose to watch TV instead.  So now you will stay home and finish the work.”

Susie goes into hysterics.  That’s not fair, everyone she knows is going, Mom is mean, blah-blah-blah.  Mom’s response is, “I wish you could go, but it was your choice.  Now get the homework done or you will also miss the football game tomorrow.”  Moms stays cool and is unaffected by Susie’s drama.  So Susie changes her game plan.  Maybe she starts begging, maybe she starts crying, maybe she sulks….doesn’t matter.  You can show care for her pain, but nothing she does will change the consequence.

Remember, she is making the choice to act that way.  She is deciding to choose the consequence over doing the right thing.  You aren’t making the choices at that point.  Your choice was back when you laid out the consequences in the first place.  If it seems too harsh when it’s happening, then next time lay out a lesser consequence, but follow through with this one.

To Susie’s mom: It’s not going to be easy, but you can do this.  Keep your eyes on the prize….a wise, healthy, responsible daughter.  When she calls you mean, let it roll off your back.  When it hurts your feelings, don’t let it show.  Think before you hand out consequences then let her make her choice.  Pray for strength and remember how God loves you both.

(Ed note: I sometimes hear a mom say, “Yes, I’m glad to be a mean mom.”  The word mean in this case is defined as cruel, malicious & spiteful.  To proudly call yourself mean as proof that you discipline your children tears down the idea that you are doing a good thing.  Being strong, confident and consistent is not mean; it is loving.)

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You all have been so supportive about this series.  The girls and I have been blessed by your comments and emails.  I just can’t tell you how much fun we’re having sharing our outfits with you all and hearing about what you’re wearing too!

This week it’s back to Mom.  I am always on the lookout for ways to flatter my Dr. Seuss-like figure.  If I’m not careful I can look like I should be new blue goo chewing.

One of my best tricks is creating a long line down my torso.  An open jacket, a scarf, a top with vertical lines can all do this.

Here I added a lacy scarf to create a more slimming look.  This gray top is fun to wear, but it can look like I have a giant square sitting on top of a skirt.  The scarf helps elongate me.

Also, sticking with one basic color is more flattering.  It doesn’t chop up my body visually.  But I like to have a little more flair than just one color, so I used gray and black….still in the same color family.

This next picture is from a day when I was running errands in the city.  I like the purple peeking out from the plaid.  I tossed a little gray jacket over the plaid to add that long line.  The big flower topped it off simply…..love that!

And I also want to point out here that the grays don’t match.  That doesn’t matter at all….they still look cute and its not all matchy-matchy.

Here’s the same gray jacket on another day.

This time I used 2 flower pins to close it in the front.  It’s fun to find different ways to wear the same pieces.  It doubles my wardrobe!

I want to add that I know wearing jeans or pants might be even more slimming, but I have to put my convictions ahead of looking pretty.  For us, we are convicted to wear dresses and skirts only.  I don’t think that’s a rule for everyone.  But since we have that conviction, we wouldn’t have peace if we went against that.  So we joyfully find ways to look nice within the boundaries that we feel are for us.  I want to encourage you to establish boundaries.  Not just in skirts/pants, but how tightly you will wear your clothes, how much skin you will show, what message you want to send.

You can be beautiful, attractive, trend-setting, comfortable and stay within modest boundaries that you set for yourself.

Check out the rest of this series in our Embracing Modesty Gallery!

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One question moms often ask me is, “Do you have any tips for what to do about my kids misbehaving while I’m on the phone?”

It is a common problem.  Mom gets on the phone, the kids realize she’s not paying full attention to them so they act disruptive.  Either they interrupt her constantly or they sneak away from her and do things they shouldn’t.  Or sometimes they do things they shouldn’t when they are right in front of her, being loud and troublesome.

Here are a few ideas that worked great for us.  I hope it helps!

1. Be SURE they know what is expected. 

Anytime you are handing down discipline you want to make sure your children understands what is expected.  Do you just get on the phone, turn your attention away and expect them to act appropriately?  They may not know.  They may just think it’s a free for all and not realize what is really expected because you have not stopped to tell them.

2. Once you tell them, practice it by pretending to be on the phone. 

Instead of getting on the phone then stopping your conversation constantly to correct the kids, try just acting it out.  A little while after you’ve showed them what is expected pick up your phone and pretend to make a call.  They don’t have to know you’re pretending.  Just start talking, “Hey Sue!  I needed to ask you a question about church tomorrow….”  You have to act exactly like you would normally or they will feel that you’re pretending.

As soon as….I mean the second…they are disruptive you put down the phone and give them your full attention.  Correcting them immediately will show them that even though you’re on the phone you’re putting them first and ready to discipline.  You may need to do this a few times at first and then occasionally after that to refresh everyone’s memory (including yours!).

3. Show them what it is like.

One of my girls used to be bad about making a lot of noise when I was on the phone. So I asked my husband if he would call her one day while he was at work. The phone rang, I answered and said, “Honey, Daddy wants to talk to you on the phone.”  She was so excited!  I let them talk for just a minute then I started being loud.  I talked to one of the other kids loudly while I was right next to her.  I started asking her questions while she was on the phone.  I did all of the things she had been doing to me.  After a couple of minutes of trying to talk on the phone, she started to cry, “Mommy!  I can’t hear what he’s saying!”

Then I got quiet and Dad explained to her through their phone call that is what she does to me when I am on the phone.  The lesson was very effective and she rarely interrupted me again.

4. Stop your call to show them what to do.

Instead of just saying, “”Ssshhhh!!!!” to them, ask your friend on the phone to hold on.  Tell your children, “This is what I want you to do right now.  Sit here and color/read/play quietly until I get off the phone.”  You can tell them no talking or if that’s too hard for them you can imitate the volume level, have them show it back to you then go back to your call.  After that, if they don’t follow through as you instructed then you need to work on obedience in general, not just during phone calls.

5. Keep the calls short.

If you have 3 little children you can’t expect them to be quiet and still for an hour while you chat about things on the phone with your friends.  Keep the calls to a minimum.  Set a timer for 15 minutes then tell your friend your time limit.  If she’s a good friend she will understand you are not in a place in your life when you can have long phone calls.

If you have to make several calls, take a couple of minutes between each call to reconnect with your child and make sure they know that you are still paying attention to them.

6. Try getting together in person.

I know this isn’t possible for some of you.  But if you have a friend nearby, instead of talking on the phone try getting together in person.  Your kids can play with their kids for an hour while you visit with your friend.  You can agree to limit your long talks to when you are together and leave the phone calls for a few minutes each.

If your friend can’t come over, try going outside to talk with her on the phone.  Then your kids can play a little more loudly without bothering your call.  You sit outside too, Mom.  They need you nearby.

7. Have a quiet time every day for the whole family.

In our home we have what we call “Rest Time” every day.  For a couple of hours after lunch we all go off into our own spaces and be quiet.  Babies nap, bigger kids read or do schoolwork.  I take that time to return emails and phone calls.  People will usually understand if you have to call them back during those hours.  Set aside that time for those things so you can give your kids your full attention during the rest of the day.

8. Teach them not to interrupt at other times.

If interrupting is the problem, be sure you are not allowing them to interrupt at other times either.  At the dinner table when Mom and Dad are talking, don’t let them interrupt.  They can wait a minute or two to share.  During the day if you are reading or on the computer, teach them to touch your arm if they need something and then wait.  Make them wait even if you don’t need it so they learn how to do it.  Driving, cooking, writing are all good times to teach them not to interrupt.

9. If it’s too much, get off the phone.

Sometimes it just gets to be too much for you and for the kids.  When that happens, let the person on the other end of the line know that you will need to get off the phone.  Say goodbye, hang up and take a deep breath.  Don’t start to yell or dump a guilt trip on the kids.  Just use this as the motivation you need to get this problem under control.  I would encourage you NOT to give them the kind of attention they are demanding when you get off the phone.  That teaches them that their demands work.  Instead, when you get off the phone, go sit on the sofa and close your eyes.  When they wonder what you are doing tell them you are praying.  Don’t let them interrupt.  Just keep telling them what you were telling them while you were on the phone, what they already know to do.  “Whisper, sit still, look at a book, etc.”  Then keep praying.  Ignore their requests until you are ready to reply.

10. Talk with them on the phone too!

Sometimes it’s good to be spontaneous!  Pick up your cell phone and call your house.  Let them answer and talk to them on the phone for a few minutes.  They need to know that you think they are just as important as anyone else and want to talk to them also!

Being on the phone, either for business or pleasure is sometimes necessary and your kids can learn how to keep from interrupting you.  In return, you can show them respect by not expecting them to be quiet and trouble free for an hour while you’re on the phone.  It’s too hard.  They need to know you are there for them and they need to be able to use the childlike energy God gave them.  Working together and being creative can make phone calls much more pleasant for the whole family!

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Over the weekend there was some talk on Facebook about the verses in Titus on older women teaching the younger women.  I think of these verses so often when I need advice or when I meet a young mom who is struggling.

It’s interesting to find myself on the older side now.  I don’t feel older.  Unless I’m trying to get out of the car after riding for a couple of hours.  Then I feel really old.

Titus 2:3-5 “Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children,to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.”

I thought I’d share a bit of my perspective from the past few years of being an older woman.

1. It’s not as easy as it looks.

I always assumed that when I was this age (48) I would feel wise and secure and not have immature problems.  Guess what…..NOT TRUE!  I have found that while I am definitely not as insecure as I was in my 20′s, I do still have threads of insecurity hit me occasionally.  I don’t have all the answers, in fact I have less than I thought I had 25 years ago.  Half the time I’m a hot mess just like you.

2. I’m still a kid at heart.

Being older hasn’t stopped me from bursting into song at the grocery store or trying to sneak past an “Employees Only” sign to see what’s behind the door.  I still want to push all of the buttons in the elevator and eat the biggest piece of cake.  The urges haven’t changed.  In fact, I am slightly more daring because life has taught me that nothing bad is really going to happen if you try.

But it’s been years since I actually pushed an elevator button.  I let my kids do it.  Because I love them.

3. You have to develop a thick skin.

Guess what.  When you have wisdom not everyone wants to hear it.  Yes, it’s true.  That mother in Walmart that is screaming at her kid isn’t interested in my godly advice.  She seems to think I’m meddling and maybe even gives me an earful of words I have never heard before but I’m fairly sure they’re bad.

Be prepared to be insulted, accused of being a know-it-all, even attacked.  It has happened to me more times than I like to think about (in real life and on the blog).  But then I realize that having wisdom means I need to use all that wise advice for myself and know when to be quiet and just love someone anyway.  If we can’t respond in a godly way then how can we teach younger women how to do it?

4. The baby years are gone….like….in my soul.

I never, ever, ever thought this would happen.  I was constantly pregnant, nursing, diapering for 20 years of my life.  During that time it seemed so never ending.  I’d talk on the phone with friends about babies, I could have pregnancy discussions all day long, I always knew the hottest new thing in cloth diapering.  Then all of a sudden, with no warning or effort, I stopped having babies.  It was just over.  And now that my youngest is 5, it feels completely behind me.  And you know what, I don’t feel sad about it.  I thought I would, I really did.  But I feel contentment and peace.  The awesome thing about allowing God to control our family size is that I know it’s His will for me.  And I trust Him.

I do look forward to grandchildren.  I know it will be wonderful.  But it will be different.  My own baby days are gone and I feel a deep peace about it.

5. Wrinkles don’t matter.

Yes, I said it.  Gray hair, wrinkles and saggy body parts don’t matter one bit when it comes to wisdom.  The fact that our society undervalues age is so backwards from what God’s Word says….it’s the lines of time that prove our beauty, not detract from it!  It is a mistake to ignore an older woman’s wisdom based on her looks.  Perhaps she has learned something you haven’t.  She may have discovered that the fountain of youth is in embracing your body’s imperfections.

6. The wisdom comes from God.

You can have wisdom at any age because true wisdom only comes from God.  No matter how old you are, if you’re out there spreading wisdom that isn’t from Him, you’re leaving a mess behind you.  The thing that qualifies older women to teach younger women is our experience.  Knowing what it is actually like to love the same man for 25+ years, raise a child to adulthood, live through financial crisis and come through to the other side….these things give older women a level of maturity that you simply can’t have when you’re young.  There’s nothing wrong with you; you’re smart; you’re amazing; you will likely be more wise than me when you’re my age…in fact I’m sure of it.

My advice to those of you that are still young, let the Word of God be honored by listening to what the older women around you have to say.  Don’t be defensive.  You don’t have to follow the advice, of course!  We’re not always right.  But be polite, listen, smile, tell your children you are grateful for the older women that share their wisdom with you.  Be respectful.

Never forget that someday you will be the older woman.  Seek experiences that will help you give good council.  Work on yourself and build a core of strength in Christ.  It is very, very difficult.  But you will be all the wiser for it.

(If you’re one of my many readers that are over 50 and laughing at me thinking I’m an older woman, I’m laughing right along with you!  Girl, I KNOW I have a long way to go!  Just keep bringing me the wisdom….I need it!)

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Last week I shared on Facebook about my boys having trouble doing their chores.  Two of my guys just weren’t doing them they way I had told them to, so after a couple of weeks of not getting on top of it I decided to take steps to make some changes.

I sat them down and told them that there would be no playing or entertainment for 3 days.  During that time they would do extra chores and if there wasn’t work for them they would read (a book I gave them, not just superhero stuff).  We were diligent about it and for one of the boys it worked.  He’s been doing great with his chores and is back to normal.  Easy.

But for the other one, not so much.  He has something, way down inside, that just doesn’t want to budge.  He was doing what I told him, but his heart wasn’t in it.

So we will have to dig a little deeper with him.  It’s all good, just part of parenting.  I have remained calm and cheerful and loving through it all.  I want that to be the message here….it’s a GOOD thing.  Just because it’s hard or maybe even feels impossible doesn’t mean it’s bad or that you aren’t doing a good job.  You can do this!  Hang in there and be glad for the opportunity to help your child overcome a problem.

In this case, it’s obviously not just a bad habit, but he’s holding back.  I can’t make him want to do what he’s supposed to; only God can do that.  But I can do things that will point him in that direction. So I have to get creative and think of ways to draw out his heart and help him desire to do what he is supposed to do.

Here’s the plan for what to do next: In addition to all of his chores he will do all of mine with me.  Laundry, making beds, cleaning bathrooms, whatever.  If I’m working-he’s working.  That way he is with me and we can talk and build our relationship.  It’s an opportunity to teach him how to do the work plus it keeps him from entertaining himself too much.

I will add Bible verses to each day.  I am using the “Jesus Calling” devotional, so I will just use those verses (no reason to make more work for myself!).  We’ll read them together, he will recite it to me then he will write it in whatever artistic way he wants and we’ll hang it on the fridge.  In other words, not just scribbling it on a piece of paper, but working to make it lovely.  All day long I’ll ask him what the verse is and we’ll talk about how God can use those Words in our lives.

The last thing I plan to do is get him good and tired.  Kids today sit around and don’t use their energy, they get bored and that gives room for sin.  I will have him do some laps in the yard, maybe toss a ball.  If I can think of reasons for him to be running that’s better, but if I can’t then it’s just generally running around.  I’ll make some kind of game out of it.  Being tired is good for you.  Especially a little boy.

I made this plan by thinking about what the core of the problem is

1. He’s being selfish
2. He’s looking for entertainment too much
3. He doesn’t want to work

Then I thought about how to redirect him

1. Selfishness needs God’s Word
2. Seeking entertainment needs to have no entertainment at all for a while (as in no movies, no computer games, etc.)
3. Not wanting to work needs MORE work than normal PLUS being tired so you can see how nice it feels to use your body every day.

And through it all he needs to see that no matter how bad it gets I still love him and am glad to be around him.  That never changes.  He is always my delight. That’s what God gives to me, so I want to model that for my children.

The thing to remember moms, is it’s not about having perfectly behaved children or a well-run home.  It’s about joyfully using the issues that arise to direct the path of your children and train them in the way they should go.

Come hang out with me on Facebook for updates on how it’s going.

The post The Heart of the Problem: Creative Discipline appeared first on The Pennington Point.

Do y’all mind if I DON’T talk about Christmas for a second?  This has been on my mind for several days so I’m just going to say it despite the lack of holiday theme.

My women friends are so special to me and we do like to talk.  We share our problems, our struggles, our needs.  Many women talk to me about their problems and often tell me of difficult marriages.  It can be so hard to listen to a friend tell you about injustices she lives with through her husband.  Many times I’ll learn of very private, heartbreaking situations.

So I have a rule.  I never, ever talk badly about my friend’s husbands.  I won’t tell her how awful he is or how he should just shape up.  I don’t tear him down or council her to stand up to him.  I may sometimes think those things, but it is not my place to come between my friend and her husband.  The marriage relationship is the most sacred human bond in Scripture, making you one with another person (Mark 10:8).

I am also aware that I am only hearing one side of the story.  I don’t think my friend is lying or deceiving me.  She’s just venting.  I have to remember that.  I don’t need to solve her problem.  I just need to listen.

So when a friend tells me her husband is unloving toward her, I reply with something like, “Let’s pray for him.”  God promises to be there when two or more are gathered in His name (Matthew 18:20).  I may give advice, I may not.  But it will only be advice for her.  I have no business giving advice for him.

For example, if friend complains that her husband doesn’t help disciplining the children I might say, “Let’s think of ways you can build him up to the children and show unity,” or, ” If he won’t get involved, would he mind if you talked to him about your own plans for the kids so he could back you up if there is a problem?”  Or maybe, “Be sure you praise the good things he does in front of the children so they know he’s still a part of the parenting.”  I might try to help her come up with ways to manage the children without help.  But I would not offer any suggestions for things her husband should do.  That will only serve to divide them as a couple.

The man is the head of the home (1 Corinthians 11:3).  We must remember that when talking with our friends.  He is her head.  We must not undermine that.  He doesn’t have to deserve the position and he answers to God for his actions.

I’m not saying this is easy.  Boy sometimes I just want to haul off and give a piece of my mind.  That’s why I make it a hard and fast rule.  No matter what.  No matter how hard.  I don’t do it.

Your friend may not like that you don’t seem to sympathize with her by not saying how awful he is.  You can assure her that you care deeply, but you can’t do or say anything that would undermine her marriage.  You can listen, you can let her bounce ideas off of you, you will be glad to pray with her.  I’m telling you, your friends will realize they can trust you when you don’t cut their husbands down. If she asks you to give her advice that she can give to her husband, let her know that you can only give advice for her.

That’s what God does when we turn to Him with our problems.  He doesn’t say, “Well that jerk just needs to stop his terrible ways!”  He helps us improve ourselves and tells us where to turn.

In my personal experience, this has become a habit.  It’s been many years since I made that rule for myself and I’ve had hundreds of discussions with friends about their marriage struggles.  After a while, it has became habit and I realized that even in my own heart I am more likely to think kindly of other husbands despite the things I may know about them.

I hope you’re encouraged to make your own rule not to talk badly of your friend’s husbands.  If you’re worried that it will affect your friendships, how about making the rule together with your friends.  Decide not to do it anymore and ask her not to do it with you.

It’s a step toward being a trusted, godly friend.

“Who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” 2 Corinthians 1:4

The post Woman to Woman: On Giving Advice appeared first on The Pennington Point.

I can’t believe it!  We made it through 31 days of non-stop posts about connecting with your child.  I wanted to use this last post to thank you all for hanging with me and see how you did.

Did you try any of the ideas?  Have you been praying for your children?  Have you noticed a difference?

Sometimes it takes stopping and considering the purpose of something to really do it well.  Connecting with your child on a deeper level is vital to their success.  God uses that intentional connection to show them who He is and how much He loves them.  You are just the vessel.  He is the real connection we want to encourage.

Every day, in some way, make a deep, purposeful, lasting connection with your child.  If you have never done it before, your child may take time to respond.  That’s OK.  We don’t do the right thing for the results, we do it because it’s the right thing.  Then we give the rest to God and He will take care of it.

I was chatting with a friend about how sometimes one child is so much like us that we can struggle with communication.  I have a couple of kids that are more private and less sharing.  It’s these kids that I need to pay extra attention to making sure I am setting my own needs aside and being purposeful about making that connection with every day.

Making a purposeful connection, building trust, showing vulnerability and caring will build a relationship with your child that will last through the hard years. 

If you have any questions, or want to dig deeper be sure to attend my free webinar on Monday, November 5 at 7:00PM Central.  We’ll be talking about this, doing some fun giveaways and discussing how to follow up.  I can’t wait to “see” you there!

The post 31 Everyday Ways to Connect with Your Child, Day 31: Putting It All Together appeared first on The Pennington Point.

Do you ever wonder how your child sees you?  How he sees his siblings?  I love to connect with the small thoughts in my kids’ heads.  Do I seem blue, or red?  (I hope it’s blue!)

One great way to find out is to draw family pictures together!

I will hand my child a blank piece of paper and get one for myself.  Then I give a good start by saying we are going to draw a picture of our family.  We just start with simple stick figures, one for each member of the family.  Then we add details.  Clothing, surroundings, hair, faces….and then give each person a possession.  It can be something they like to do, something they wish they had, a hobby, anything.

You draw a family picture too.  Your promptings can help your child feel free to be creative and keep the conversation going.  They will enjoy seeing how you imagine them in your drawing.

Then hang the pictures up somewhere.  The fridge, a window, I once had one of my girl’s drawing hanging in my car for the longest time.  Show them to Daddy over dinner and talk about how we see each other.  It can help them feel understood.

Don’t forget to join my free webinar on Monday, November 5 at 7:00 PM Central time.

And follow me on Facebook for fun updates and conversations!

The post 31 Everyday Ways to Connect with Your Child, Day 30: Family Pictures appeared first on The Pennington Point.