Where are the Elves When You Need Them?

Where are the Elves When You Need Them?

I’ve been quiet in here lately.  I have been spending time with my children and husband and breathing.  Or trying to.  It’s not been as easy as I had expected.  It turns out there aren’t really elves that come in the night and wrap your gifts or clean the bathtub.  Those things require my attention.  So they haven’t gotten done.

We’ve had parties and shopping and errand running with each of the kids.  Now I am in return mode, where I return all of the things I bought and have decided not to use as gifts.  If I don’t return them now I will forget and they will sit quietly in the back of my closet until next Christmas when I find them and wonder what they are doing there.

Yesterday we celebrated Jacob’s 21st birthday.  I held it together all the way until 8AM when I saw him.  I started to cry and wave my hand around in front of my face trying to make myself stop.  “I remember the day you were born and I was so happy to see you and….waahhhhh!”  I hugged him and he politely tolerated it.  Happy birthday Jacob.  You get to spend breakfast listening to your mom recall what it was like to nurse you and rock you to sleep.  Good times.

Since it got cold here yesterday, I decided it would be a good idea to wear my new black Spanx pantyhose.  I’ve been chomping at the bit to wear them, but if I try to wear hose when it’s not cold then I am miserably hot and maybe, if I’m being honest, a little complainy about it.  So I wait….and yesterday was the day.  I looked so cute all bundly and black-legged.

But there was a problem.  About an hour after I left the house the hose started creeping down.  I’d feel them slipping down my abdomen and hips, rolling toward my legs.  I’d find a bathroom, go in and start pulling them up from the feet, working them back up into place.  When I couldn’t get to a bathroom I was left with reaching up under my top and hiking them up a little….so ladylike…..so precious.  All day long.  When I was in the car they would roll down, cutting off the circulation to my lower body.  If you happened to be driving next to me and looked over to see a woman appearing to be behind the steering wheel wrestling with herself, now you understand.  I was being assaulted by my pantyhose.

Around 6:00 I was heading home and I stopped at HEB to pick up a movie for Jacob to watch for the evening.  It’s our birthday tradition.  I went to get back in the van and decided that since I was just heading home anyway, I would rid myself of the misery that was my Spanx pantyhose.  Right there next to my van in the parking lot of the HEB I pulled off those torturous things.

What I didn’t realize is that a man was walking through the parking lot at that same moment.  He caught sight of me and froze.  Poor guy, he just wanted to pick up a few groceries for his wife and got to see me disrobing as an added bonus.  I met his eyes while slipping my right foot out of the hose and said, “Some things are a matter of life or death.”

Maybe it was the expression on his face or maybe it was the realization that I had probably mooned him only moments before, but I don’t think he understood.  Either way, I tossed those hose into the back of my van and took off.

I’m done with Spanx pantyhose forever.

We’ll be spending the weekend going to a couple of parties and otherwise just hanging out.  I’m still crossing my fingers for those elves to show up in the night.  I need my floors cleaned and it’s unlikely to get done if left to me.

Have a great weekend.



  1. Oh, Erma B. Once again, you made me chuckle. You’re hilarious.

    Have a great weekend! If you need to find me, look for me at the beach. SOMEbunny’s gotta do it.

    Merry Christmas,

  2. Oh Lord have mercy! And that my friend is the reason I don’t wear panty hose. You really shouldn’t be left alone this time of year. Ha!

  3. Kim, you are such a blessing! I think you are correct, but don’t tell James. Once he figures out that I shouldn’t be left alone the adventures will be over. Lisa~

  4. You can always wear an extra pair of panties on top of your panty hose- that keeps ’em up! I hate panty hose – they are evil inventions of Satan and have not worn them for years.

  5. Oh my goodness…what a tale you tell! (Very bad pun?) Girl, you keep me in stitches reading about your escapades!

    I, too, was duped by the Spanx pantyhose thing. I wore them at my 19-year-old daughter’s birthday party…and what was I thinking? I could hardly keep my mind on what I was doing! There must be a better way.

    Merry Christmas to you and yours…clean floor or not!

  6. Thanks for the laugh Lisa! Once again I was drinking coffee while reading this!

  7. Oh my goodness I feel your pain. I did the samething in the Wendy’s drive thru……my husband was driving and mortified at my antics and asked me if I do this kind of thing on a regular basis. lol I said only when I have exceeded my pantyhose limit…I have bra limit too. In the winter 6pm – 9pm in the summer. haha

  8. I love your stories. Thanks for sharing. I think we could all use a good chuckle right now.

  9. That was a good one, Miss Lisa! I am so glad that somebody else has trouble with those awful things. I though it was just me and my weirdly constructed body.

    Do you think the Spanx people know their product doesn’t work? Do you think we should tell them?

    Thanks for a good laugh. Merry Christmas to you wonderful Penningtons!

    Deb Mantik

  10. Lisa, that was my morning laugh. Hilarious! I have both taken off, and put on, nylons in a parking lot. A girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do.=) I don’t think I’ve ever mooned anyone though.=)

  11. Honey, when its time for the hose to go it is time. It really could be a matter of life or death. And I don’t want to die with pantyhose on! The same for the bra. I reach my bra-wearing limit and then its got to go!

  12. Oh, Lisa how you make me laugh!
    The younger children are playing with their toys, and I am waiting for my turkey to be done. I thought I would check your blog. I had such a good belly laugh!!!

    In this time when a lot of people are saddened, I am so glad to know that the Heavenly Father sent his Son to redeem the world. That is why I can have joy and still laugh!

  13. Very funny. You made it longer than me! My round body swore off hose several years ago. Luckily it never gets too cold where I live in AL. If I have to go out on a cold day, I wear a long skirt with knee sox=).
    Unfortunately, I have noticed a similar problem with my slip lately. I just rolls right off my belly, causing my skirt to roll too! I only have to wear a slip with a few skirts, I wonder if a cotton slip would do better?
    Please email me where you live–I can’t remember. My son hopes to get a job in Beaumont next year. He mentioned it’s about an hour from and Ikea, and I remembered you were in driving range of Ikea also.

  14. That was so funny! Hope you had a Merry Christmas. Happy New Year, hopefully it will be a year free of spanx!