31 Everyday Ways to Connect with Your Child, Day 4: Listening
How many times a day do we realize our kids just said something to us and we weren’t listening? Of course, it would be impossible to stop and listen to every single chattery thing they say. If I stopped and really listened to the stream of talk around here my ears would be exhausted and my brain would hurt.
But they do need to know that I hear them. That’s why I am careful to be aware of when they are saying something that I really need to listen to. I don’t mean whinings and arguing. I don’t listen to those. I do try to listen about hurt feelings, struggles, concerns, new ideas, things like that. This is even more important as they head into those turbulent teen years. They need to know you can do more than lecture. You can really hear them.
If you think your child is saying something that would mean a lot to them if you really listened, stop what you’re doing, turn your body toward them and be quiet. Let them tell you whatever it is they want to say, then give a short, thoughtful reply. It usually only takes a couple of minutes. They feel heard, and better than that, they know they can trust you to stop and listen when they really need it.
Look for opportunities to listen. For instance, I cut my boys’ hair. That means about once a month I am one on one with each boy for about 15 minutes. During that time I’ll ask how things are going. “How are you feeling about your math?” or “Is that scrape on your knee doing better?” I ask about little things that they may feel like I’ve forgotten about. I want them to know that I want to hear what they have to say.
Listening will tell them that you really care about the little things in their life.
And by the way…this is great in combination with Day 3: Touch.
So how is it going for you so far? Are you feeling more of a connection with your child?
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Lisa,
This seems like such a little thing, but it is HUGE. It hasn’t been till lately that I realized I wasn’t listening to my kids enough, always so busy. But, I’ve been getting better about putting whatever I’m doing down/aside and listening.
My younger kids WANT to talk with me but my 14 yo not so much anymore. Any tips for getting him to talk?
Amanda, I think I should do a series on teens. That’s a whole subject by itself. As far as getting them to talk, I’d say number one is don’t push. Just watch for openings and opportunities then gently ask questions. If they are all excited about something, like an upcoming event, then you can say something like, “Man, that IS going to be great. What is one of the things you are looking forward to the most about that?” Then try to keep the questions coming, making sure you are leading them to answer with something besides yes or no. Then don’t get frustrated if they don’t say much. Just be glad he said anything and let him know that you accept that he doesn’t love talking.
It can be difficult, but the real goal is for him to know that you are there for him when he needs you. 🙂 Lisa~
Amen to this! Totally guilty! I have been trying harder too. I’ve noticed that I get more out of my son when we’re driving somewhere together and he doesn’t have to look directly at me. Also, this morning when I walked my daughter to school she started sharing all kinds of stuff. I was so excited to hear her say things that were so grown up and mature — and asking about things of the Lord! I love those moments!
Becky B.
http://www.organizingmadefun.com
Organizing Made Fun
Becky, I love hearing that! It’s those moments that will help your kids throughout the day when you’re not there. They SO need to feel heard by someone. Good for you! Great job. Lisa~
I heard some similar advice like this a few weeks ago, maybe it was from you. The point was that I need to be concerned about the things that my kids are concerned about no matter how small. It’s easy to dismiss my 5 year old’s feelings, because her concerns seem insignificant to me. However, they are very much a big deal in her life.
This is a great one. I went to a homeschool conference back in July and a lecture I went to was talking about this. She was talking about showing your kids they are more important than whatever you are “doing”. Take time to stop, look and listen. I tell my kids that all the time. “When I have something to say to you stop, look and listen.” But I need to do the same for them. Enjoying this series:)