Intentionally Parenting Your Toddler, Part 3

OK, if you’ve read part 1 and part 2, then you are ready to hear what I have to say next.  It’s not going to be easy.  You may want to sit down.

Before you start trying to change your child’s behavior….you must make changes in yourself.

Ugh!  I know.  It’s so hard.

That’s the bad news.  The good news is that if you will do this very hard thing it will reflect in your children.  I talk to many moms that are really trying to do the best with their children.  These are amazing women.  But there are two areas that stand out the most to me when it comes to things that actually damage our efforts.

Number One: Anger

Many, many parents have shared with me that they get so angry and upset with their children that they lose control.  My sweet friends, this is something we absolutely MUST change.  When you use your anger to try to control your child it only makes everything worse.  Once you act out in anger toward your child they are wholly rejected, they do not have a good model for how to behave and worst of all…you have communicated hate to your child that you love so much.  Instead of being encouraged to do something different the next time, the child is actually dejected and hopeless.

Ephesians 4:31-32 “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

These verses apply to all of your relationships.  Just because you are raising these little people and spending almost all of your time with them does not change the rules.  You do not get to yell, stomp, scream, or fight.  In fact, it’s the most important time to get rid of anger and bitterness.  These relationships are the most valuable of your life.

When I am tempted to express anger I think about this:  By being so mad I am really saying that my agenda is more important than anyone else’s and I am being selfish and hurtful.  What is really the.most.important.thing to me in that moment?  Is it getting to church on time or is it my child’s heart.

You don’t want to control your child with anger.  The ultimate goal is that they are encouraged to make better choices and are not controlled by you at all.  Showing anger is pushing away from that goal.

Number Two: Too Much Talking

The number one problem I see among mothers is they simply over-talk, over-explain, over-lecture.  This is especially true with toddlers.

Proverbs 29:20 “Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.”

Explaining why you said “No” to a toddler will do nothing but encourage them to continue asking.  It tells them that they deserve an explanation and that they are entitled to be part of the discussion.  “Mommy, can we go swimming today?” Just tell them “No, not today,” and move on.  Do-not-explain why.  They do not need to know why, they are not going to be making any big decisions in the next, oh, 5 years.  They aren’t a part of this decision.  The answer is no, we aren’t going swimming today, the end.

You won’t find me ever, ever, ever explaining why to a toddler.  At least not while they are asking.  Maybe later or at bedtime, if I think there is something they need to understand, I will explain in a short and simple way.  But this is very rare.  It would have to be a family crisis or medical disaster for me to explain anything.  In that case, the explanation is something else they actually would need to know about.  But never for something like eating a cookie or watching a movie.

I know your child is smart, I know your child is amazing, I know your child has tons of energy.  But being smart doesn’t mean he needs to know why he can’t go swimming.  He can use his giant intelligence in many other areas, like learning to read and doing chores and building Duplo towers.  In fact, when you allow your child to suck you in by convincing you to explain everything he is proving he is smarter than you and he is in charge!

And NO LECTURES!  When your little guy hits his sister he doesn’t need a long discussion about hitting and how you were hit when you were little and what the Bible says, blah, blah, blah.  Deal with the incident straight on and what you say should be no more than 3 sentences.  “Johnny, don’t hit people.  It’s a no-no.  If you do it again you will have to stop playing and sit by Mommy.”  That’s it. End of discussion.

Lectures and long talks are overwhelming for a young child.  They need a clean, short message.  If you feel your child needs more of a lesson you can find a book to read aloud about the subject, memorize Bible verses, together make a list of ways to show kindness when he feels like hitting, think of ways to drive the message home without just sitting and talking AT him.

And most definitely….don’t put the two together and give him an angry lecture!

James 1:19 “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;

Let’s work together to encourage one another to make some changes in the way we respond to our children’s bad behavior.  Every time you feel the urge to react in anger or a lecture think about all of us that are dedicated to working together to become better moms.  The power of prayer and having friends who are working on the same issues can help you to stop, breathe and manage a rough situation.

My prayers are with YOU!

23 Comments

  1. Clap! Clap! Clap!!! I love it! So well said…I can’t stand that everyone wants to explain things to a toddler – potty training drives me nuts, especially. Don’t ask if they need to go potty! Just tell them it’s time to go. Why do parents ask their kids all the time things like “Would you pick up your toys?” and what toddler/kid would actually say “yes, I’d love to”? I love all your suggestions…so much wisdom in your words! It’s like you’ve done this before…hmmm!

    Becky B.
    http://www.organizingmadefun.com
    Organizing Made Fun

  2. Do you think you could do a video of how you would reprimand a toddler? I have a 21 month old boy who obeys about 50% of the time the first time I tell him to do or not do something. My mother says I need to use a more stern tone of voice (I do use a serious voice, rather than a sing-song voice like when playing) and I am having a hard time finding a tone that is stern without sounding angry as I am usually a very calm, quiet person. I know I would feel silly acting out a reprimand on video, but if you could show me, it would be so helpful! I love this series you are doing so much! I live in your area and on an especially hard day last week, I actually thought, “I would pay big money for Lisa to come over and give me private lessons on how to parent my toddler!” 🙂

  3. I’ve missed quite a bit on your blog as I’ve been working on projects, but I came straight back when I saw these posts in my email inbox. The truth is, I’m angry with other people in my life, and then I’m tempted to be short-tempered with the kids. There’s pressure from part of the family to be very firm with children, and it comes across as angry. Yuck! For our particular family, what is needed is consistency, not more “firmness.” I also do too much explaining. Like you, I want my kids to internalize their own reasons for good behavior. I suppose I thought this should start at a young age, but maybe it’s not accomplishing what I hoped. Well, the first order of business is turning this anger over to God. Thank you for the wise words.

  4. Love this! So glad to hear another mom say *not* to explain everything to a toddler. I see many moms do this….and they get caught up in a lengthy discussion with their 3/4 year old. All the while, the toddler knows exactly what he/she is doing.

    Wonderful post!

  5. LISA! Thanks so much for this. Not only was I allowing my very determined and stubborn kid to “control” the situation but answering all his questions…I was…on more occasions than I would like to admit…reacting with anger. I have known that its something that I need to change in me before I can change in them…but it makes it more real and urgent to read this. Thanks SO much for all your tips. I learn so much from you! Praying for all the Mama’s on this quest to be intentional with our parenting!

  6. How very timely! I have work to do in the anger department and I know it, and my husband and I both are guilty of over-explaining. In my case, I think I was extending giving a limited number of choices into explaining the “why” behind everything and felt like I wasn’t making an effort if I didn’t explain. Thanks for the insight and “permission” if you will, to just state the facts and move on.

  7. I just found your blog and love these posts!!
    I so agree with not over-explaining things to my 4 year old son. I have found, though, that some situations call for an explanation of the “moral reason why” a particular command or “no” is given. I try not to always have a “because I said so” mentality. When I first told my son that he had to walk on the sidewalks at church and not through the grass like the other children, he did ask why. I felt, in order to avoid frustration on his part since all the other kids were doing it, I should explain that if there is a sidewalk, we use it so we don’t hurt the grass. “Mr. Gary (our groundskeeper) works very hard to keep the grass looking nice..” and so on…. So, basically, in nutshell, if there is a reasonable and understandable explanation that can be given, then why not? -especially if teaching and training can occur. All of the “moral reasons why” are stored in his little brain, so that one day he is able to make better decisions on his own. Of course, this is all in assumption that the “whining when told what to do” problem is taken care of as whining is never rewarded. 🙂 Which is, I believe, the context in which you stated “In fact, when you allow your child to suck you in by convincing you to explain everything he is proving he is smarter than you and he is in charge!” The fact that I am in charge is the best part of my being his parent. As you stated, I can decide when to explain and when not to explain based on what I feel is best for him. I, myself, am a very analytical person and can become frustrated when I don’t understand “why.” I try to keep this in mind and to avoid his questioning why, I’ll often explain why when first answering him. “We are not going swimming today because it is probably going to rain.” Thus, preventing his even asking why. If he does persist further, I simply say “Say Yes, Ma’am” and that’s the end of it. 🙂
    And obviously, my two year old twin girlies are not old enough for explanations.
    I appreciate the reminder to have patience! Which is not always easy with a 4 year and 2 year old twins. 🙂
    I’m looking forward to reading your other posts. And would appreciate any feedback you offer. I do recognize that you have more experience and wisdom than I!! 🙂

  8. You must be looking right into my house! Anger is the example my parents left me,and I can already see I’m showing my kids thats how to deal with things,ugh. Also I tried what you said last week about the diaper changes,and it worked! But my almost 2 year old is becoming very headstrong,and now it seems to be wearing off already,even though I have been consistent. What should I do next,since she’s already defying me in that area?

  9. Thanks, I like these ideas. I do get angry, but I know that and I know it is wrong so I’m working on it. It makes me have to stop and say sorry, more than I should.

  10. I love this series. I’ve shared the three parts with my husband and on my blog for my followers to read too. Thanks for the words of wisdom and for being a blessing to my family.

  11. Hi Lisa,
    I’m a single first grade teacher, so not exactly your target audience with this series. But I still appreciate and learn from your wisdom and loving firmness. Thanks!

  12. Love this! Thank you. I need to work on not sounding frustrated when disciplining!

    Not sure I agree totally with the “no explanation” thing though. I have, almost from day 1, given my son a short explanation for many things, especially when telling him, “no.” However, I agree that this doesn’t help with all children. Most kids, when throwing a tantrum at this age will get worse when you start explaining or talking. It always calmed my son down. I don’t think that’s typical though, but it may help some kids.

    I keep it very short & simple though. He has just now, @ 2.5 yrs started saying. “but whhhyyy?” Since it’s usually true, I just say, “I already told you why,” and leave it at that. If he keeps on, I ignore or tell him I’m not arguing with him.

    The only reason I say this is because, at age 2, my son might well be the exception, but I think as they get older, around age 5-6, kids DO need short explanations for why they need to or can’t do something. But I completely agree with you about not arguing!

    Thanks again!!

  13. Thank you for the post Lisa!
    I have one question for you. What are realistic expectations as far as having your toddler behave, obey you both at the house and in public? My son is about 15 months old and I am teaching him to come when I instruct him to, or be still and not touch breakables when we’re at someone else’s house and even reamining in my arms when it’s time for me to hold him and not allow him to run around. However, it’s not easy! I don’t want to get too frustrated as he’s in a learning process. How can I be successful in this? At what age to they truly understand commands? Thank you very much.
    -Irene

  14. I so appreciate this amazing series. We have so much to learn and will be putting these to immediate use. In the meantime, my heart is so heavy this morning. I have beautiful three year old and one year old daughters. We prayed so long for them. Went through so much to have them. But my eldest toddler is SO jealous of her sister. She pushes her. Hits her. Takes away every toy, book, snuggle blanket. I can’t keep up. I can’t leave her alone for a second with her sister even though friends with siblings this age report they are now playing together.

    I so want them to love each other. It breaks my heart when the baby who is so sweet tempered goes to her sister for a kiss only to be hurt. Can you please help? I’ve tried time out in her room, taking away toys, TV, giving her the majority of my attention…I am at a loss and feel so guilty.

    Bless You, M

  15. I totally agree with you that we get angry at out kids behaviour and shouldn’t. I am most certainly working on being more self controlled in the way react to my daughter’s behaviour. I know that most of the time I am only angry because I want my own way (like her) and want it now (like her). I also agree that in most cases, explainiations are quite lost on young children, they are overwhelmed by them because their ways of thinking and understanding are so different from adults.
    I disagree very strongly however with the rest of what you have posted so far. I say this as a Christian mother who is trained in early childhood development. I feel that your advice may be overy simplistic, as “littlies” change enormously between 0 and 3. Having successfully raised children of your own you would know that what may be fair to expect of (for example) a 3 year old is not realistic to expect in younger children, they simply have not the cognitive development to support such behaviours. I (frankly) felt shocked at the suggestions to encourage children to be still while having daipers changed. I will be continuing to be intentionally parenting my child with a patient understanding that she does not, and cannot think and behave as I do because she is a child.

    1. Megan, I definitely understand that everyone will not agree with me when it comes to parenting. That is obvious by the different behaviors you see in children you meet in public.

      I appreciate your comment and am happy to have a nice interchange here. I never suggested that a child can think like an adult. Of course not. Being still on the changing table is a basic, simple action. There is nothing harmful or shocking about expecting a child to be still for just a few minutes while you clean their little bottom.

      If a child is old enough to arch their back in defiance to the diaper change, they are old enough to be taught to be still. By your reasoning a 3 year old should not receive any discipline at all. That would not be a good start toward intentional parenting.

      Plus, I am very clear that it is a gentle, loving process with lots of affirmation and and affection. It is a sweet time between parent and child that ends in a playful, cheery time together every time the diaper needs changing.

      Thank you for your thoughts. Lisa~

  16. Lisa,
    Thankyou for your response. I think that I would fall into the category of being someone who does not agree with your parenting suggestions. (Unhelpfully I said that I wished to intentionally parent – meaning “conciously deciding to” rather than referring to the parenting approach)
    I was actually surprised to discover that I did not agree with your approach to parenting, because I very much enjoyed reading your suggestions for “ways to reset when the kids are having a hard day”, and really find that using similar techniques works wonders for my days at home and were also useful for my work -when I was there. (With children under 5.)
    I do not normally comment on blogs that I read, but felt so surprised and at your suggestion that young children may need to be pinched on the fat part of their leg during a daiper change to teach them to be still when you tell them to. I do think that this is a very unhelpful idea, and I actually had to hold back tears thinking of the scene portrayed.
    I agree that, physically, a child may be able to remain still if they are able to arch their back, however I would disagree that cognitively they have the skills to underpin the task with any real understanding, as the ability to see the world from another’s point of view in any detail is still developing until a much later stage.
    I am no expert, in child development, but know a little, and felt I could not let that particular example pass without commenting on it, thankyou for your patience with me!

    1. Hi Megan! First of all, I want to be sure you know that you are welcome to comment anytime. I don’t mind being disagreed with. That’s what makes the world such an interesting place. 🙂

      I understand that a lot of people got upset about the suggestion to pinch a child’s leg. This is not a hard, biting pinch. Just a little tiny reminder that if they kick around there is a consequence. It’s no different than when they fall it hurts their head or when they close the drawer without removing their fingers it hurts. There is natural pain involved in a lot of life’s lessons when you are a young child. I know you won’t agree and that’s fine. I just want to make it clear to anyone reading that I don’t mean anything more than a little squeeze.

      I agree with you that they can’t attach it to any understanding. That’s why you don’t keep explaining. It’s a simple lesson and, of course, you don’t even try to teach it until you see that their wiggling around is in defiance and not just being a baby.

      I am glad you liked the 20 ways to reset your day post. We may agree on more than you think. It sounds like you are a thoughtful, conscious parent and I applaud that.

      Lisa~

  17. i just came upon your blog this morning. i spend 30 min each morning before my kids get up calming myself for the day. I have a 2 and 3 year old who I would call very “spirited”. They fight like crazy all day long. i feel like all I do is discipline from sun up till sun down. I want to teach my children to have loving kind hearts towards everyone, but right now when I say things like “Jesus does not want us to hit or be mean” I feel like they could care less. Any suggestions on how to create a loving nature in a child. Also, I feel like I run around like a chicken with my head cut off. Often I let things slide simply because I can’t control them both, or have the time. Suggestions??

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