Intentionally Parenting Your Toddler, Part 1
For the past few months I’ve been working with a couple of young moms. They don’t know each other or, until now, even know the other exists. But they both have struggled with their first-born child, 3-4 years old and slightly out of control. In my travels I’ve met many other moms in this same position and I remember being in that position myself. When mine were all little, I needed a boost of encouragement to get my mommy act together. So I’ve decided to start a series devoted to moms of little ones. I’ll be answering your questions and helping you get into the mindset of managing your family.
For this first month, I want to share with you my experience. When Grace (now 22) was just 3 and I had one year old Jacob and was barely pregnant with number 3 I was feeling overwhelmed. Grace pretty much did whatever she wanted and I was feeling morning sick all of the time and was really worried that this 3rd baby would mean the end of civilization as I knew it. My 2 were pretty unmanageable, how would I handle another one?
Grace didn’t obey me. She would occasionally agree but not move in the direction of actually doing anything. The idea of disciplining her was hard. She was still my baby and I wasn’t sure what she was capable of. Then one day a friend invited me over and had a talk with me. She let me know that I should be able to expect Grace to do what I told her to. This honestly had not occurred to me until that moment. It changed my life. I went home and shared with James that I had a new vision for the raising of our children. It happened like a lightening bolt. I had been doing it all wrong.
James and I did an immediate 180° turnaround. We worked together and started correcting her immediately when she wouldn’t do what we told her to. My goal was 100% consistency. It was a shock to her system (and to mine!) but within a week she had learned that the world doesn’t revolve around her whims and she was a changed girl. Our family was saved from a future of life in a child-run home.
My main inspiration was studying my relationship with God. He loves me no matter what I do, but he doesn’t release me from the consequences of my actions. He blesses me daily, but not always in the way I want Him to…He knows best. He uses my suffering to draw me near to Him and teach me to lean on Him. If all I had were fun, easy times then how would I know that I need Him? He isn’t being mean, He is loving me when He allows me to learn and grow through trials.
So I took that knowledge and I used it to help me make decisions for how I would raise my children. When she was hurt, I would comfort her. But I wouldn’t take away consequences. I stopped trying to keep her from feeling pain or suffering. I would let her be upset when she didn’t get her way. I didn’t try to make her feel better by distracting her with other things. It became almost immediately apparent that this would lead my children down a road of understanding what it is like to trust God in all things. It even changed my own relationship with God….seeing myself in my children….whining, fussing, not accepting what I was given as best. I saw myself through the eyes of a loving parent and I began to trust Him more.
My first few years as a mom were sweet, but I had no real direction. Once I caught the vision that my children could not only be obedient, but be cheerful, peaceful and full of joy it changed my whole perspective. As my family grew I became more and more confident that I was onto something. It was working. And now that several of my children are grown, it has paid off in countless ways. They are loving, capable, trustworthy, respectful, hard working adults that are the fulfillment of Proverbs 31:28 “Her children rise up and call her blessed…”
In this first post I want to encourage you that your little ones can obey you, every time, without whining or arguing or throwing fits, immediately and cheerfully all the while feeling loved and cared for. Don’t let them fool you, they are smart. But they aren’t smart enough to raise themselves. Mom and Dad are the leader of the home. Let’s make that a goal and we will work toward it together.
If you have any questions I will be answering them throughout the series.
Grab the vision!
Part Two: Lessons from the Changing Table!
Part Three: It Starts with YOU!
Oh thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this! I needed to read this today, and I have a lot of questions, but I will have to wait until later when I have a bit more time. I’m so excited about you starting this new series!! Yay:)
Amy
If trials make you grow, then call me Paul Bunyan!!!
Seriously I have known these chidren all their lives as I am their great aunt (and I mean GREAT!, lol) and they are the most well-behaved, respectful children you could imagine. Kuddos to Lisa and James! The nicest thing is they know how they are loved by God, family and all.
I wish *I* were as well behaved as your children – they are everything you’ve said, AND a joy and pleasure to be around.
Oh, that I’d learned these principles when my kids were young. I’m so glad you’re writing this down to share – I know several moms I’m going to share this with.
Oh, I forgot to ask my (first) question… How soon do you start with your kids showing them this consistency and what does that look like?
I am very excited about this series! I have been feelings hopeless at this time, with a almost 2 yr old, almost 1 yr old and baby #3 on the way!!!
Will you be discussing different ways to correct and train up our children?
Thank you so much for taking the time to do this!!
Hi There! I hope you keep on writing all the way through each age and stage till your kiddos leave the nest. I completely agree with this entire post and had a very similar experience. My oldest is now 15…getting ready to drive…the lessons from the Lord just keep coming. I wanted to encourage you to keep writing for all the age groups so that you can encourage mommies at each stage. 🙂 thanks!
I almost jumped for joy when I read this! We only have one little one now, but are hoping to grow our family soon and I look forward to reading everything you have to share! Thank you for sharing your knowledge & experiences with us ‘newer’ mama’s. 🙂
Thank the Lord for a woman who knows that she’s the PARENT and parents are the ones raising the children and running the home – not vice versa. You’re a woman after my own heart. God bless your blogging.
I am again feeling God’s graciousness through your post! My husband and I have our work cut out for us, and this post has come at the perfect time! We have a 6 yr. old who is quite compliant and happy but easily distractable, a 4 yr. old who is strong-willed and emotional, a two week old, and (as of Monday) my 14 month old nephew to shape and raise within God’s will. With this new and unexpected addition we are finding ourselves overwhelmed and frustrated with the oldest two girls who, until 3 days ago, seemed so easily manageable. I can hardly wait to gat a glimpse of your strategies and available resources, for moving forward in this otherwise chaotic time. Thank you!
Excellent advice Lisa! This will be such a great series!
I’ve followed your blog off & on for the past couple of years and am always encouraged by your parenting advice. I have 7-year-old twins, a 5-year-old, a 3-year-old & in the process of adopting. We brought home our fourth child five days before our 5-year anniversary! It’s always good to be “re-encouraged” to not become lazy with training my younger one. I thought I’d let you know that I pinned this on Pinterest yesterday and have had TONS of repins. Apparently, this is something many are interested in. I hope that many will follow your series and learn valuable, helpful information for training their children in the Lord. Thanks for this ~ looking forward to it!
Sometimes pride gets in my way because I think after getting to #6 I might know it all or close to it all. However, my challenges seem to only increase. This series will be a good one for me! I could use some advice relatedly specifically to the lack of obedience “right away.” My 3.5 yr old son struggles with this and I feel like we’re not getting anywhere with him. He’ll go on and on with “But mom” or “I want” or “No.” There are times when I just have to walk away from him so I don’t yell at him. Then there are the times I don’t walk away and do yell and those are my least favorite mothering moments.
Thank you, Lisa for starting these series…
Correcting kids early saves headaches. I look forward on learning from your stories. WARNING: I will ask questions. 🙂
-Irene
Hi, I’m a new mom with an almost 13 month old who is learning to walk with her increased mobility she is also getting into a lot of things. When i try to correct her by saying no and pushing her hand away say from something possibly dangerous she laughs as if I’m playing a game. At such a young age how do you correct a bad behaviors? I’m not even sure she’s understanding what I’m saying to her about the situation besides “no.” Thanks for you advice beforehand!
I’m looking forward to this series. We’ve been struggling with my oldest son (7-8) with his attitude. We’re not sure how to help him change it. He is a grump. He has a bad attitude about almost anything. We don’t let him get out of doing what we ask, but somehow we aren’t addressing the issue thoroughly and I’d love your insight and ideas on trying to help him have a cheerful heart.
I am so thankful for this post and look forward to more!
Thank you, Thank you, my friend for being so real with me and for encouraging me to keep on keeping on! 🙂
Yippee! I can’t wait for this one. I have 5 kiddos ages 12 to 9 months. The very middle one is really a crybaby, tattle-tale right now. I know it is probably a lot of middle-child syndrome but it drives me NUTS!!! I would love some advice on that one…
Thanks!!
Solid wisdom 🙂
WONDERFUL!!!! post thanks SOO much for sharing. I have 2 questions #1 What is a good way to encourage my daughter to tell her memory verse to her teacher. She knows it but refuges to say it. Sometimes if they say it as group she will say it with them. I think maybe she is going thru a shy embarrassment stage. Nothing works as far as getting a sticker, treat, badge etc. Also what is a great curriculum for a 3 yr. old? we keep going back & forth with putting her in a preschool a couple days a week. I thought maybe I could do something like this for her until we figure out job situations etc. Thanks (=
Consistency is something I am so not perfect at! I hate that I resort to laziness when I know I should act.
I already know I will love this series 🙂 I’m already thinking back to life with 1 child versus 2 versus 3 … I remember on Little Jimmy’s first birthday the gift I wanted to give him more than anything in the world was for him to go the entire day without crying. Surely if I was the perfect mother I could accomplish this goal … I learned that day that his emotions had little to do with me or were something I could control. He was a child and I was his mother but there would be times I could not stop the tears. Our lives changed a lot that day as well. Can’t wait to read more
I’m so excited for this, but I have a request! Please be blatantly obvious. I know all these things but I cannot seem to make them happen. I have an almost 4 year old with a will of iron who is also very easily frustrated. I often find that parenting advice leaves steps out and I get lost. So, you know, really explain this! My little guy really holds on to things too, and will just cry and scream and cry and scream, when we tell him no. We have tried so many things and even though it has gotten better, a little, I still feel so lost sometimes! Help!
A friend suggested your blog, as I’ve been struggling with my toddler’s behavior. I recently left my career to stay home with my girls, ages 3 and 1. I had been too tired and busy before to really work with my 3-year-old, but I’m so glad for this time to do some catch up! Will look forward to reading your blog. 🙂
Hi Lisa. I know you through Mindy Brouse. THANK YOU. I find myself in the very humbling position of being a 43-year-old new mommy. Granted, my bundle is 22 months, but still. Though I am a Titus 2 woman in other respects, I know NADA about raising up little ones. I have yet to find practical help like you offer. You have no idea what a blessing finding your blog is. (Through the Texas Home School Coalition Review.)
Jan Tessier