If you don’t know me in real life, you don’t know the real joy it is to be around me. So I thought I’d give you an inside look into some things that have happened over the past few days:
1. At the conference this past weekend, I was casually chatting with Tim Lambert. The man is an icon, a genius, to be admired. Earlier that day he had spotted a mutual friend that he hadn’t seen in a while and he commented on how gray the friend’s hair had gotten.
Mr. Lambert: He’s almost completely gray
Me: Oh yes, he has really changed in his looks.
Mr. Lambert: (pointing to his own head) Well, I’m all gray myself.
Me: Yes, but you are a LOT olderrrrrr……….(freeze)
Tim Lambert gives me a fatherly, corrective look.
(Why, Lisa, why?!?! Why do you not edit yourself before you speak?!?!?)
2. I am on a hunt for old trophies (more on that later). I have scoured the thrift stores and not found a single one, so I decided to go to a trophy store and ask if there were any old trophies I could have. I found a store in the phone book, Carls’ Trophies, so I went there. I opened the front door of the little storefront and heard the jingling bell, looked around and saw hundreds of taxidermied animals. On the walls, on the floors, on the counters, everywhere. I scanned the place looking for the trophies. A man (not the cleanest guy I’ve ever seen) comes in wiping his hands on his pants.
Dirty man: Can I help you ma’am?
Me: Um, I’m looking for trophies.
You have to picture me in my maxi dress and wedge heels, a darling necklace and cutie pie haircut amidst all of these creatures that are staring right at me. Dirty man looks at me for a second then he grunts a little laughing snort, “Lady, I think you are in the wrong place.”
The light starts to dimly go on in my mind. Oh, TROPHIES.
I turned around and left.
Yesterday’s blunder was the best. This one will make you wish you could spend every waking moment with me…..
3. I was coming out of Bed, Bath & Beyond pushing a cart to my car. I had to use the cart because I bought a HUGE mirror that I don’t need from their clearance section. The mirror was causing a bit of sun to glare in my eyes and I started across the busy parking lot without really noticing the two cars coming until I heard them screech a little to stop from hitting me. As they waited for me to cross (now at least five cars have quickly accumulated in the busy parking lot) I felt something weird happening and before another second passed, my skirt had completely fall OFF! It just slipped down and was around my feet. Spanx, meet the 14 people staring at you.
For just a teeny fraction of a second I had the thought that maybe no one noticed. Then I started laughing, completely cracking up. I quickly untangled my skirt from around my feet, scooped it up and took off running to my car laughing so hard I almost lost the cart. One lady rolled down her window to ask if I was OK. I am sure she wondered if there was a home she should call to let them know I had escaped.
I was laughing so hard I just kept saying, “My skirt fell off,” over and over. She drove away. I don’t blame her. If only I could have left as easily. But there was still the matter of putting my skirt back on in the parking lot of Bed, Bath & Beyond. I slipped into my skirt and slid behind the steering wheel still laughing hysterically. I’m not sure if it was shock or just that I really needed a good laugh.
I am sure I will be seeing some security camera footage of that on the internet very soon.
Now you know the real truth. I am a clumsy dingbat. If you don’t ever want to hang out with me, I’ll understand.