Training a Toddler in Church
At the shower yesterday a mom asked me a question, “How do I get my toddler to fall asleep on my lap or on a blanket on the floor?”
She has beautifully trained her baby to sleep in his bed at home. The problem is that when she goes out, like to church, he won’t sleep. So of course he gets fussy and irritable.
I have been thinking about it and here’s what I would do…..
I have said before, there are four things you can not MAKE a child do. 1) eat 2) poop/wet 3) speak 4) sleep.
These are battles you can’t win. So don’t engage in them.
What you CAN do is make him lie down, be still, put his head on your shoulder.
If you have trouble with a tired baby at church, teach him to lie his head on your shoulder when you tell him to. Like all training, this takes time. The more consistent you are in ALL things, the quicker it will go.
By this I mean that you can’t just be consistent in putting his head down, you must also be consistent in other areas of training. Sitting, stop touching, picking up toys, whatever. If he knows you have ANY moments of inconsistency he will know there is a crack in your armor and he will wait you out.
I would begin at home sitting down with him and telling him to lie back in my lap. If he doesn’t want to do it, I’d work on it a little each day. Not for hours….just a 5-10 minutes at first to introduce it to him. Then let him up. At night Dad does it again for a few minutes. I’d be watching for how the child responds. If he’s really defiant, then you need to work on training him in all areas to do what you tell him to do. It’s not just about lying back in your lap, it’s about disobedience. If he just resists a little, I’d patiently lie him back and let him know that he has to stay still. I’d work my way up to longer and longer periods of time.
There isn’t much you can do about making him actually sleep, but you can teach him to lie his head on your shoulder, or stay down on a blanket or whatever works for you.
But also, be patient with yourself. It takes time and energy to train your children. Be careful not to look around at all of the other babies and think, “Why doesn’t my baby do that? I must be doing something wrong!”
Every child is different. Your little guy has a special path that God wants him to take. Sometimes that means he has special challenges. It’s a good thing. He needs, for some reason, to overcome this challenge and you, Mom, may need it in your life too.
It can be humbling, but with time and patience you can have a child that sits still and quiet when you need him to.
Sound advice as always. : )
I’m not the one that asked, but as we’ve discussed, I need to get busy with Little Miss on this one 🙂 ::sigh:: She serenaded us SO beautifully yesterday during the sharing time, doncha think? ;-P THANKS for posting this!!!
Really good advice, wise Lisa! What do you think about that name? Wise Lisa. I think it works…
My children are 26 and 23, so I’ve been there. Before we pastored as a young couple, we assisted, plus I played the piano at church and was expected to be on the platform during the entire service. So basically, I raised our little ones right on the platform and my toddlers sat on the piano bench right next to me. See, I saw it as my personal responsibility to care for the children God gave me to parent, not a nursery, not a babysitter, and not somebody who was dying to take care of my babies in church.
I said all that to say this: Lisa, you’re right on it with that word consistency. I have trained puppies and I have trained kiddies. If the pack leader or the parent doesn’t mean what (s)he says, just like puppies, your kids will know it. They’re brilliant. After all, they are your offspring, aren’t they?
My children knew that a *snap* of my fingers at home meant the same thing it meant in Walmart or at church or at Grandma’s house. When I put my finger over my lips, my consistency clued those little ones in. My girls knew that, with just “that look” from Mommy they’d better correct their behavior and spit-spot. “That look” wasn’t something new; they’d seen it before. Consistency.
Gentle, loving, consistent encouragement to obey Mother of Daddy should be taught from day one. Love has always meant what it said. It never gets weak. It metes out upon the object(s) it takes patience and mercy.
Just as our God is love, and just as He said, “If you do this, I’ll bless you. If you do that, a curse will result,” with consistency (this if actually faithfulness) we simply imitate our heavenly Father when raising our children. This requires patience and mercy, and rest assured, we reap what we sow.
Thank you for this post. It is so wise. I am actually applying it to my own life… wow.
I’m so glad someone else is teaching this! And a person with more grown-up kids than mine 🙂 My brilliant husband, who is a MUCH better parent than I, figured this out with our first 9 years ago and it has been awesome. Number 5 is coming up into “put your head down” territory and I can’t wait. I love the period of nursing under a blanket through the sermon, but I also love the time when Husband takes over church duty with the youngest and I can take notes and occasionally snap my fingers at the older ones on my side.
Wow- was it me who asked? But I live in Florida… 🙂
Thank you for this post. I have trained my 8 month old to sleep in bed and we’ve had a challenge for him to fall asleep/rest at church. Our church begins with the pastor speaking and followed by the music. So, it’s difficult at the begnining. He stays still for maybe half of the sermon, but we’d like to come to the point where he’s resting the other half.
I’m encouraged to be persistent in training him at home even if it’s just for a few minutes. Brilliant!
Thank you again- I’m a new mom and I’m cosntantly searching for traning tips!
my 78 year old mother is a whiz at getting babies/toddlers thru church. When mine were small she ALWAYS had a church purse of nothing but quiet things..fun things but quiet things. As they a bit older..1st grade and up..she would give them a piece of paper/pencil and get them to mark down how many times the preacher said the main word of the sermon..i.e. miracle. She would keep track as well and they would compare after church. She still helps young mothers with their young ones and they just sit back amazed.
I recently have rejoined our church, I fell off for a while, now my son is 8 and he’s new to ‘sitting through church quietly’ It’s my fault completely, I should have gone back to the church sooner for my sons sale if nothing else or should have never fell off in the 1st place! Any suggestions for teaching an 8yo boy at that to appreciate the word or at least get into the routine?
We have 7 children and we go to church every Sunday, sometimes morning and evening. My youngest has just turned 1. She is a wiggle worm in church if I let her. Usually I sit near the back or side to “escape” quickly if I need to. During the week I practice with her at home on going to sleep while I read a book while sitting on the couch. Another thing that REALLY WORKS for us is to wake her up early on Sun. morn. (and not letting her fall asleep on the way to church). She is out like a light then!! For our other children, (except for our 3 yr. old, which we have 1 small purse sized book) we do not bring anything for “play” except a tablet and pencil/pen. (besides their Bibles). For us it seems the more we bring, the more caotic it is. We like to have them write down say, 3 things the minister says, or copy a short chapter or a few verses. Then then can share what they wrote on the way home.
Maybe it’s just me, but I was hoping for a way to get the child to obey and be quiet in church, not to teach them how to sleep or rest through it. My kids can sleep through chuch without a problem. It’s the trying to get them to stay awake and try to pay attention that isn’t working. Persistance has worked a little and they can now behave for the first half of church, but it’s the last 30mins that my 2-4 year olds can’t control themselves anymore and feel the need to try to run off.
Amen Ladies
I offended a whole room full of people the other day when I said ” children do what they are allowed to do” my Daughters were expected to be still in church, polite to others and when I said please I meant now. And they knew it. I was not an ogre but I am strict and have turned out two pretty good kids. Hang in there Moms and just keep up the good work, its not easy but it is worth it.
Oh, this is clever. I wish I had known this when I had napping children. Mine are now 5 and 7 and they sit through church beautifully. We’ve been singing hymns together at home for family devotions, and I’ve noticed that helps them to focus on the singing at church. Otherwise, they sit and draw or play with small quiet toys. But when they were quite small, I didn’t get a lot out of church for trying to get them to nap!
Mine went to the nursery until they were 5, then they came to “big church.” When it was time to pray, I would tell them they needed to be quiet (stop what they were doing) and “talk to God.” I used to let “play” with the bracelet on my arm or the ring on my finger. I wouldn’t take them off, but I would allow them to turn the bracelet on my arm to look at it. My daughter especially liked to look at my Noah’s Ark bracelet. I would allow them to quietly color. It is amazing how loud that can be. They always had something to tithe. I kept hard candy, just in case they had a cough, but only for that. Training them does take time so be patient. Always, Always, Always compliment how well your child did if they did as well as they could. To me it is more disturbing for the parents to not do anything about the disruptive child, than the child being disruptive.
Do you have any tips for getting an older child, who doesn’t need to nap, to sit still and quietly? My son is three and is far more wiggly and loud than my first two. I end up taking him out part way through every service because I’m embarrassed at the distraction we become.
As a pastor, I have encouraged parents to sit on the front row with their toddlers. They can see what is happening instead of the backs of pews and people’s heads. They especially like to sit near where the musicians play. It worked for my children and I have seen it work for many others. If the child is still fussy, there is usually a door near the front of the sanctuary where an escape can be made.
I am all for developing a church culture that encourages participation by all ages . A few examples: 1)Yesterday, my sixteen month old toddled down the aisle clapping to the worship music and went to stand next to our pastor in the front row. Then my baby turned faced the congregation and ” led” the congregation in worship. 2) My baby would reply responsively to the pastor’s sermon in baby gibberish from about four months old. There is currently a seven month old in our congregation who occasionally does this. 3) There is a little girl in our congregation who used to sit in a bouncer in the aisle in church. It was perfect. She would bounce along to the worship music and when she was older she started dancing to it. 4) There is a 4 year old in our congregation who loves to go pray for people during the prayer times in service. He’s been doing this since he was 3. These behaviors are not tolerated but actively encouraged by allowing babies and young children to participate and engage in the service. They are learning so much that they would miss out on if they were simply supposed to lay their head down and rest. The experiential learning is fantastic. It takes work but this kind of culture really leads to wonderful learning experiences for all.
Our church is more like Lindy’s the kids are expected to be reasonably quiet but they are involved in service. They are encouraged to clap & dance during the music. To greet people, welcome people, if the Pastor asks a question they will answer (sometimes when its rhetorical) . Our pastor always encourages the families in church to not worry about the littles (within reason) he says I can always turn up the mike, life and community are messy and that’s okay.